Sporlitics

Bryant Gumbel is an uninformed gasbag, take 2

2006-08-22T22:33:00.000-04:00

We got on Bryant Gumbel's case six months ago for idiotic comments he made about how the Winter Olympics shouldn't be watched because it has so few black people that it looks like "a GOP convention." His creative alliteration aside, the man was letting race cloud a non-issue (the only thing black in Wisconsin or Alaska is the ice, Bryant).

Now he's at it again, and this time he has the NFL in his dainty crosshairs. You can take all the shots you want at ice dancers and curlers, but when you take on the nation's most popular league (who, by the way, also happens to be his new employer), you get steamrolled. This is what he said, via NYTimes:

“First of all,” Gumbel advised Goodell, “before he cleans out his office, have Paul Tagliabue show you where he keeps Gene Upshaw’s leash.” He said that by making Upshaw his “personal pet,” Tagliabue kept labor peace “without giving players the kind of guarantees other pros take for granted.”
“Try to make sure no one competent ever replaces Upshaw on your watch,” Gumbel said.

Boy, would that be searing. If he was accurate. As the article points out, he is wrong again.

There are a series of hypocrises about Gumbel already (never says a word about boxing, for one) but we are not going down that road again. We will let former NFL-er Robert Smith take Bryant apart since, quite frankly, none of us are black and Robby took it a place all of us wanted to go but could not in good taste:

"Bryant Gumbel has fallen in recent times,'' Smith (who knows something about far, precipitous falls from grace) told SI.com on Tuesday. "He's desperate to have a respected, national voice again, but the problem is a lot of people aren't listening anymore. So you've got to say something like that to get attention for yourself. But he's misinformed."

Then it gets good...

"He's someone who has been around for a while and has some credibility, but who wants to believe a certain perception. I believe part of it with Gumbel is that Gene is a much more powerful black man than he is. And he's jealous of Gene's power and position. I think Gumbel's even jealous of where his former co-host Katie Couric is, and how she's moved on to a more powerful position and he still hasn't.''

Ho, SNAP! First he called him a failure as a black man, and then he broke out the 'cant-even-keep-up-with-his-little-white-girl-former-co-host'!

Either way, this second gaffe by Gumbel provides us the opportunity to repeat the world's best Gumbel burn, courtest of Family Guy:

Peter: I want to have the kind of father and son relationship that the Gumbels have.
Lois: Peter, the Gumbels are brothers.
Peter: Oh nice Lois, just because they're black we can't learn anything from them?

This week in rhetorical questions...

2006-08-22T22:27:00.000-04:00

umm...

Does the pope shit in the woods?

We never were very good with those quips. But you get the picture.

Weekly review Weahs are back, back again

2006-08-11T23:06:00.000-04:00

As we said, if the leader of the free world can vacate, so can we. But we return in full force, with the Weahs, as if we didn't miss a beat...

Weah to go:
1) John Madden: Inducted into Hall of Fame, and about to be introduced to a whole new set of unsuspecting youngsters on the impending Maddenoliday.
2) Ned Lamont: Where's he stand on other issues? Who cares, he didn't make out with the Prez! (Sporlinote: We may be shocked by his stances if he makes it to Washington. No one that rich is that liberal)
3) Joe Schwarz: Yeah, he lost his primary to a rabid right-winger. But now he will no longer be slapped around by the DeLays of the world and can return to the relatively sane mainstream. Welcome back, Joe.

On the Weah down:
1) Maurice Clarett: His recruit-mate, Santonio Holmes, was a first round pick this spring. Yeah, he got arrested, too. But he still has a spot on the defending champs' squad. Oh, and millionsof dollars.
2) Lieberman/Bush/Cheney: Try to villify Lamont voters as crazy out of touch liberals. Then the 'liberals' go and show that they agree with 60% of Americans, and are against the war.
3) Fidel Castro/Cynthia McKinney: Their constituents are cheering their failures: Fidel's health, and Cynthia's right hook.

The "Take That, Darwin" Award of the Week:
We could give it to Clarett, but that'd be too easy. Ryan Freel takes this one. After making an amazing catch on Albert Pujols this week, he explained that not even his friend Farney could believe it. Oh, and who is Farney? "He's a little guy who lives in my head who talks to me and I talk to him." He proceeded to describe the entire conversation. We'd transcribe it, but want to keep our collective head from imploding. Read it here.

'Cause you never know when you could get tased

2006-08-11T22:50:00.000-04:00

It's not that he was arrested (again). Or that he was caught with four weapons -- all loaded -- in his car, presumably in case President Bush immediately shipped him over to Fallujah. Or even that he led police on a car chase before hitting a cruiser. No, the meat was the following:

...officers had to use Mace to subdue him.

More? You want MORE? Here is the clincher:

A stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

That's right. Mo Clarett was taken down with old lady spray because his bullet-proof vest shielded him from the taser. Contrary to popular opinion, this proves he is a thinking man.

At least when he's wasted (a half-empty bottle of vodka was found in the car).

(photo courtesy of Deadspin)

"We may suck, but I'm telling you, they'll suck more"

2006-08-05T15:06:00.000-04:00

The GOP is continuing their election year strategy, and from what we can decipher, it goes a little something like this:

We may control the courts, Congress, and the White House. We may have completely botched Iraq, the war on terror, and pretty much anything to do with the economy.

BUT: If you elect the other guys, you'll get blowed up.

The latest iteration came courtesy of Ken Mehlman, chairman of the RNC: (via WashPost)

Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee, denounced Democratic Party leaders Friday, saying they would "surrender important tools" in the fight against terrorism...

...Mehlman said that if the Democrats win control of Congress in the Nov. 7 midterm elections, party leaders will stop the National Security Agency from eavesdropping on foreign terrorists and will pursue impeachment of the president.
"America faces a critical question," Mehlman said. "Will we elect leaders who recognize we're at war and want to use every tool to win it, or politicians who would surrender important tools we need to win?"

Or should America keep electing fear-mongers?

p.s. - We still say he looks like a donkey. Or Mark Warner.

Turn your head and Kofi

2006-08-05T14:41:00.000-04:00

We ask:

If Hizbollah's name was "al Qaeda," would anyone question Israel's response to their soldiers being captured?

Israel is the democratic pimple on the greater ass of the anti-west, anti-democracy Middle East. Let's not help Kofi and the UN pop it.

(we never were very good with analogies)

Son of a B-sample

2006-08-05T14:09:00.000-04:00

It's official.

Again.

Floyd Landis -- the mennonite, hip-fractured, Lance II, super-biker -- had more testosterone in him during his miraculous stage 17 than a Jason Giambi-Gary Sheffield-Barry Bonds dinner party.

The Tour de France, in tpyical French fashion, showed resilience, grit, and resolve (SIKE) and kicked his ass out immediately. As did his team, Phonak (they're Swiss, so they just don't like trouble either way). As will USA cycling.

But how many people really care? Americans' attention span for the Tour passed two days after it ended, and was briefly revived when Landis' red flag was waved. Landis got his glory -- and well more than his 15 minutes -- weeks ago.

Not many people would have remembered him either way. Now, more will. Which would he rather have?

NCAA finally gets one right

2006-08-05T13:54:00.000-04:00

mmm...how we love them sporlitickin' stories...

There has already been a limited ban on championship games in South Carolina because the State House flies the Conferederate flag -- not to mention all those trucks driven by the (game)cocks down there.

According to multiple reports, the NCAA is considering widening the ban to more sports and more postseason activity. (via Chicago Trib):

The NCAA will consider expanding its ban of championship events in South Carolina, possibly disallowing baseball and football teams from playing host to postseason games, because the Confederate flag is displayed on Statehouse grounds.

Robert Vowels Jr., head of the NCAA's Minority Opportunities and Interest Committee, said his group received a request from the Black Coaches Association about widening the ban. Predetermined postseason events, such as basketball regionals and cross-country championships, are now barred from South Carolina sites.

They may be hypocrites, money-mongers, and a band of idiots. But it appears that even a blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while.

Back from vacation

2006-08-05T13:50:00.000-04:00

Hey, if the President can take one each summer while the country's at war (a "short" 10 days this year), we can, too.

Argentina's secret weapon

2006-06-25T16:01:00.000-04:00

(following our recent lookalike theme)

Anyone else notice that Happy Madison was on the field for the 'Tinians yesterday?

Maxi Rodriguez (guess which one he is) ripped a volley into the top left corner to end Mexico's hopes of moving on to the Elite 8.

He got that penguin and put him back in the zoo, where he belongs.

Watch the goal of the tourney here.

It's just...so...perfect.

2006-06-20T16:56:00.000-04:00

It really encapsulates everything we've thought since seeing him for the first time a month or so ago. All this time we had thought his look was patently British. Turns out it's not. It's patently honking-wheelchair-bound-kid.

Funny how we can get the two confused.

Credit goes to these cheeky blokes.

Oh, Karl, we miss you so much

2006-06-17T09:50:00.000-04:00

About a day.

That's how long it took after Karl Rove was not indicted (can we all just keep in mind that "not indicted" is not the same as "not guilty") before the media love-fest resumed in full force.

Some headlines:
"Rove sets trap for Democrats"
"Elections are Rove's next test"
"Rove laughs last"
"Rove's plans for 2006"

It's like a precious child coming home from weeks in jail, and the loving mother welcoming him back with open arms (really, that's not much of a stretch).

Holy shit, they really missed him, didn't they?

Oh, and the guy that Cheney shot in the face gave Rove a $2,000 shotgun. Glorious irony.

World Cup, Week in Review

2006-06-17T09:19:00.000-04:00

We've survived the first week. There were beautiful goals (pick an Argentina finish), spectacular saves (T&T's geriatric keeper had a few), and mindboggling mistakes (hey Iran's goalie: next time kick it to your own team). We bring you the week's recap, and can't wait for more...

Most surprising team
Ok, we're biased. But how can you not pick the Soca Warriors in this spot? First they tie their group's 1-seed, and then fight to the finish against England. T&T have shown the most heart in the tourney thus far, and can even make the 2nd round still. If they beat Paraguay and England beat Sweden, the Socas are through to the elimination round. (Runners-up: Ecuador and Angola)

Most disappointing team
Has to be the Americans. They had something to prove after their great '02 Copa Mondial, but came out flat. The European fans were salivating to label the Americans as overrated, and the world's #2 team obliged. The Americans must make many corrections for today's match vs. Italy, or the Azzuri will deliver the knockout blow. (Runners-up: Poland and France)

Best Goal:
This one's a tie. The first is individual: Tomas Rosicky's absolute laser that left Kasey Keller -- and the Americans -- deflated and on their backs. We may go the rest of the Cup without seeing another 35-yarder that pierces the side netting.
The other is team-oriented: In yesterday's steamrolling by Argentina, Hernan Crespo trapped an entry pass and proceeded to execute the perfect heel-flick to a streaking Esteban Cambiasso, who finished strongly. We will now take the opportunity to remind you that we picked the 'Tinians to win it all. (Runners-up: See em all here.)

Best player not named Ronaldinho so far:
Arjen Robben, Netherlands. He is probably playing even better than the Barca superstar. After completely dominating the Dutch's 1-0 opening win, he set up Ruud's goal that proved to be the game-winner in yesterday's 2-1 triumph over Cote D'Ivoire. No one has been able to corral him thus far, and if he continues like this, the Oranje are to be reckoned with later on.

Most disappointing player not named DeMarcus Beasley:
It's a shame, but the Americans could really have 3 or 4 players here. Instead we will go down south and pick one of the world's most talented: Mr. Ronaldo. The star of the '02 Cup looked fat, tired, out of shape, and disinterested (as Sporlinoted by Brazil's PRESIDENT). And the Brazilian media let him know it. Look for him to pick it up next game, or he will be watching the 22-year-old budding star Robinho from the bench.

Best team not named Brazil:
Argentina. They put on an aboslute clinic yesterday against a Serbian squad that looked like they longed for Eastern Europe. Most teams in this tournament will go all 3 games without scoring 6 goals, and the 'Tinians did it in one game. They looked absolutely dominant.

U.S. Soccer, the aftermath

2006-06-12T22:03:00.000-04:00

There are many things to be said about the debacle that was today's game. The Czechs just ate the Americans for lunch, there's no other way to say it. We will start with the bad, then the good, and then the lingering questions that Bruce Lee Arena must answer.

Bad:
Wow, where to begin...The Yanks came out totally flat. Nearly every publication had deemed them "confident" and other such synonyms, but they seemed to think the world's #2 would bow to them. Talk about a wake-up call. There were some things that are particularly disturbing:
1) Lack of technical play -- There were an inordinate number of miffed traps, poor first touches, and mistimed passes. It was something that is typical either of a) an unskilled team or b) a team with the jitters, neither of which are characterstic of this squad.
2) Total absence of passion -- It seemed that at times, no one was running hard. Claudio Reyna could have been the only player who ran hard the entire game, and even he played below his normal level. They looked lazy, and nowhere were they more punished than...
3) Midfield whitewash -- Pablo, Convey, Claudio, DmB, Donovan, all of them bear a brunt of the blame. They played two of the best midfielders in the world in Rosinky and Nedved, but were thoroughly outplayed and embarassed. Simply unacceptable. And B-Mac showed nothing up top.

Positives:
1) First and foremost, those of us who have seen this team play over and over know this was not the real US team. Whether it was overconfidence or jitters or simply being stunned by the steamrolling they took in the opening 10 minutes, the team seemed to find a little confidence around the Reyna posting. This team is very capable of waking up and taking out some anger on Italia.
2) The tournament is not yet over. There is a huge hill to climb, but not impossible. Our destiny is still in our hands. If we win the next 2, we are in.
3) Brazil is the only team better than the one we played today. We came out flat; at least it was against a team we would have had a hard time against anyway. It would have been devastating had we lost to Ghana in the opener because we were flat.
4) Some players showed up, most notably Johnny O and Gooch (pictured). Johnny O will be starting -- or at least better be -- and Gooch played well enough, including most headers and some ground tackles as well.
5) We did not sleep our way to the #5 ranking in the world. We know we sound like Stuart Smiley, but we ARE good enough, gosh darnit.

Lingering questions:
1) Most important: Who plays right midfield? DmB could not have been more out of place. But if you move him over, you take out someone (Convey) who has played much better than DmB in 2006. DmB possesses more ability than Convey, but if he is going to mail it in, you may as well have Bobby on the left. So who plays right mid? Move up Cherundolo and play Boca in the back? Put Landon out there and have others (Johnny O?) in the middle?
2) Who plays striker? We all know that Bruce loves B-mac. But if the ball is not served to him, he has trouble creating. Eddie Johnson showed some flare in the last 20 minutes but is also maddeningly inconsistent. We do not envy Bruce right now, but this is why he is the coach. We would have Eddie and B-mac up top, with Convey (or DmB, not even we can take a stand), Claudio, Johnny O, and Landon in the midfield.
3) How do the Americans bounce back? Do they come out and blow the doors off the place on Saturday? Or does Italy put in a quick one, fall back into their famous defensive cocoon, and crush our dreams? Only time will tell...

All we know for sure is that we waited 4 years for this, sat through all weather to see our team, and now are supremely disappointed. It shows how truly difficult this tournament is. But it is NOT over. We have at least 2 games left, and cannot wait to lie to our workplaces to be able to watch the Ghana game live.

money-money-money-money...MONEY!

2006-06-11T11:32:00.000-04:00

3 things are certain in life: death, taxes, and the GOP will raise more money than the Democrats. It's the way things always have been; Republicans are generally richer and more generous than Democrats.

But the lead story in the Sunday WashPost is -- make sure you're sitting down -- the following:
"Democrats Closing Fundraising Gap with Republicans"

Dr. Howie was roundly criticized (something he is getting quite used to) for not hauling in enough cash in his first few months. Since then, however, the Dems are closing the enormous fundraising gap that has existed for years in politics: (via WashPost)

A surge in small, individual contributions is lifting Democratic campaigns this year and is helping close a Republican fundraising advantage that has existed for years in national politics, according to Federal Election Commission data.
Democratic House and Senate candidates and their two major campaign committees are enjoying stronger grass-roots support than at any time since the GOP took over both chambers of Congress in the 1994 elections, according to strategists from both parties who have reviewed the most recent FEC data released this spring.

It's not particularly surprising that the GOP is suffering from a lack of donations. They have infuriated their base by increasing the size of government, unsuccessful nation-building, and a nightmarish increase in spending. The true surprise is that the Dems are raising more cash.

We've never been the type to credit the blogosphere for more than increasing awareness. But this "increase in small donations" has Howie and Joe Trippi's internet fingerprints all over it. Just another reason for the GOP to be scared heading into November.

Soca!!

2006-06-11T11:23:00.000-04:00

Every year we hear harping about how weak CONCACAF -- the group out of which we get the U.S., Mexico, and others -- is. Well Trinidad and Tobago, the last CONCACAF team in the tournament and the smallest country EVER to qualify, shocked the world yesterday.

They tied the 1-seed in their group, perennial power Sweden. The Soca Warriors (as T&T is known over here in the West) showed serious heart as they played with their backup, 37-year-old keeper AND were down a man for almost the entire second half.

The jubiliation at the end of the match, and from the few T&T fans in the crowd, reminded us what this tournament is all about. CONCACAF pride!

(Belated) World Cup Preview

2006-06-11T10:30:00.000-04:00

Yeah, yeah. We know it's late. But the weather has just been too nice lately...

Everyone knows about Brazil, and nearly all have picked them to repeat as champions. However, after much pow-wowing, we have made an underdog pick to win it all. Which we will get to later. First, our 5 players to watch and our preview of the USA bracket (aka Group of Death):

Five Players to Watch:

Peter Crouch, England: With the broken metatarsal of 20-year-old wunderkind Wayne Rooney healing gingerly, Crouch has stepped it up. He had a hat trick in the Empire's final tune-up and his imposing 6-7 frame creates a Twins-like team with diminutive Michael Owen (who looks nothing like Danny Devito, while Crouch does slightly resemble the governator).

Kasey Keller, U.S.A.: All questions have surrounded Claudio Reyna's hammy and who Bruce Arena will start at striker, and all seem to be content with calling Keller one of the best GKs in the world. Lest we forget, though, that had Brad Friedel not been a brick wall in 2002, the US would not have advanced. Keller needs to play up to the hype, or the Yanks could be heading home after 3.

Thierry Henry, France: Widely considered the world's best striker (yes, even better than Ronaldo) but scored bubkus in 2002 as the French -- defending champs -- were shut out and sent home early. His magical left foot must find the back of the net and, if it does, the field could be in trouble.

Andriy Shevchenko, Ukraine: The boys from Kyev are not especially dangerous on their own, but this Chelsea sniper strikes fear in the hearts of all opponents. He is a young star in England and hit the penalty that won the Champions League in 2003. Andriy may surprise some and carry Ukraine on to the knockout round, but let's just hope the Ukraine does not have the same "rules" that the Brazilians have about being with your wives in the Cup. His wife is smokin' hot American model Kristen Pazik (picture).

Ronaldinho, Brazil: Simply the best. This will be the Cup where he vaults himself into the ever so selective pantheon of Pele and Maradona. There are highlight videos all over the internet; catch some if you can. He is the man that the world most enjoys watching and there is not one player who has more fun playing the game -- witness the enormous bucktoothed smile perpetually on his face. Take off work and watch the Brazilians play; he will embarass at least 2 players per game.

Group of Death:
OK, we'll say it now and get it out of the way. The U.S. will be hard-pressed to advance, and we are not sure that they can do it. You have to assume that the Czechs, the world's 2nd-ranked team, will advance (even with AC striker Milan Baros injured).

The real fight will be for the second spot. The Italians are weaker than in years past but once they get a lead, it's all over. They bring nearly everyone back into the box and shut it down. And Ghana -- the youngest team in the whole tournament -- could be the dark horse. African nations have made some serious noise in years past, and Ghana is widely considered the best African nation this year.

Our prediction? Ghana will upset at least one of the three teams and throw the whole group into a tailspin. However, we think that the Czechs will emerge as the class of the division and Italy will survive (beat the Yanks and tie the Czechs). We certainly hope we are wrong. And hey, anything can happen: the whole world "knew" Portugal would walk all over the U.S. in 2002...

The Champs:
We are going to go away from conventional wisdom. If the Brazilians coast through the tournament there will be little surprise. However, they are ripe for the picking. Their weakness remains their defense (or lack thereof) and it only takes one to beat them in the knockout round. That team will be...

Argentina. If one team is going to knock off Brazil, it is going to be someone that is familiar with them. This fellow South American nation (albeit with a disappointing 2-1 start against Cote D'Ivoire yesterday) could be the team. They play excellent defense and are led by the dangerous Hernan Crespo up top. If they make it to Brazil, watch out.

Eh, who are we kidding. The Brazilians will probably win. Just enjoy them embarassing all the other teams.

Weah Weeklies, 6.4 edition

2006-06-04T15:16:00.000-04:00

Ah yes, it's everyone's favorite time again. The Weahs (how appropriate, we honor a soccer superstar on a week the Copa Mondial gets underway)...

Weah to go...
1) Us: Not "us" as in your loyal local Sporlifriends. "Us" as in "the world," because we are blessed with the World Cup starting this Friday (our preview to come).
2) Anyone who thinks gay people should suffer the same fate as straight people: Pres. Bush will lend his support to an anti-gay marriage Senate bill that is already doomed to fail this week. His endorsement is like throwing an anchor through a sinking ship.
3) Mavs/Heat: Franchises each make their first-ever appearances in the NBA Finals. Pro: we get to hear more of Avery "squeaky" Johnson. Con: We have to endure more Mark Cuban.

On the Weah down...
1) Croatia: Congrats, Croats. Your reward for making the Cup is having the entire world watch your opener v. Brazil. Just don't let Ronaldinho fake you out of your shorts.
2) Steve Nash: Reigning 2-time MVP has to watch his old mates stomp him on the way to the Finals. That has to hurt.
3) Dick Cheney: Lost a fight to a woman. (more specifically: apparently lost out in the argument with Condi Rice, as Dubya chose the more diplomatic route with Iran...but it sounds better the way we said it)

The "Take that, Darwin" award of the week:
The inimitable Bruce Arena, coach of the US Soccer Team. The man is brilliant and (often) disarmingly funny, but did he have to make his first quote in Germany:
"We'll just go ahead and be dumb Americans."
In fairness, it was in response to criticism for letting his players sleep with their wives during the Cup. But still...

NHL Finals Preview

2006-06-04T13:52:00.000-04:00

Maybe it's because of that whole lockout boondoggle. Maybe it's because the games are shown on the same network as "Babe Winkleman: Costa Rica Madness." But it's probably because we just have better things to do.

Either way, no one watches the NHL anymore. We caught a few games here and there, but not nearly enough to make an educated procrastination on this week's series. Besides, there's something antithetical about hockey in June. So with that, we present our completely unscientific, unresearched, and otherwise uncredible "prediction" for the Finals:

Carolina in 6.

Games 1 and 2: Carolina coasts in Game 1, aided by the Oilers distraction of a) the Hurricanes' cheerleaders and b)Rod Brind'Amour's schnozz. But the Oilers recover in Game 2 behind the power of Chris Pronger and the Barishnikov-ing of Sergei Samsonov.

Game 3: The Oilers take the momentum from Game 2 and blow out the Canes behind hat tricks from Wayne Gretzky and Mark Messier -- they still play for the Oilers, right?

Games 4-6: The Canes have had enough. They invoke the power of the great Hartford Whalers and win going away. Besides, the Oilers' goalie's name is Dwayne. There's no way they can win.

I'm not proud of it, but it helped me out of many a jam!

2006-06-02T12:57:00.000-04:00

Rest easy, America. The "Harry Caray Bandit" has been nabbed.

The man who has been terrorizing/tickling nostalgic/depressed Cubbies fans for months was caught in Indiana yesterday. He had been robbing bank tellers while wearing...well...we'll let the Tribune tell the rest:

Guillermo Rivera has been charged with making off with $2,000 on March 29 from the Palos Bank and Trust in Palos Heights.

At the time, police said the robber, decked out in oversized glasses, a baseball cap and perhaps a wig, resembled the late Cubs broadcaster.

The FBI later changed the moniker to the "10-Second Bandit" because he repeatedly demanded that tellers hand over cash "in 10 seconds."

There was no report on whether the bandit was found hallucinating that he was a hot dog.

All-natural, baby

2006-06-01T23:02:00.000-04:00

Chalk up another one up to us Yanks.

In yet another blow to the Frenchies (they aren't much for fights), Lance Armstrong has again been exonerated of any wrongdoing in his training for the annual Lance backhand more commonly known as the Tour de France. He had been accused of doping (again), and was deemed not guilty (again).

A Dutch anti-doping team (and the Dutch know something about dope) said Lance's jus d'orange was au naturale.

Take that, France. We are the fattest country in the world. None of us bike anymore. None. We send over one guy who nearly died from cancer and he biked every one of your favorites into the ground. Seven times. Just admit it; we are superior.

Peaking at 13

2006-06-01T22:36:00.000-04:00

We'll admit it.

We watched the last 10 minutes of the National Spelling Bee, because, well, seeing pre-teens squirm on a stage is damn good television.

We even started rooting for one -- but only after realizing the other finalist was Canadian. There's something wrong about a Canadian winning our National Bee. Luckily she choked on a big German weltschmerz.

The winner, Katherine Close, showed some serious ursprache in spelling her final word correctly (ed's note: we have no idea what the definition of the word is, but it just sounds right in this context, so we're going with it).

The highlight of the final minutes was the post-spell interview by Chris Connelly. How far has he fallen? He used to interview Britney Spears and Mick Jagger. Now he has been relegated to sideline reporter for the National Spelling Bee. Ouch, babe. Ouch.

It's not like we have a war to win or anything

2006-05-29T11:30:00.000-04:00

What a perfect memorial day story (and right up our alley)

Apparently, Secretary of State Condi Rice called a meeting of the commissioners of the three major sports leagues (and hockey). Some of the commishes did not know what point of the meeting was until they arrived at the hotel in New York.

Sporliquiz:
The point of the meeting was what?
a) To ask Tags and Stern how to resurrect a failed enterprise (and have Bettman take notes).
b) To pine for consideration to become the NFL's next commish when Tags retires in July.
c) To plan with a way to market America to the world through its major sports leagues (and hockey).
d) To get away from her depressing job and moronic boss for a weekend in the city.

For the record, we could swear it's a, b, and d, but apparently the answer is C. And the article says that two of the commissioners (read: Stern and Tags, if not the other two as well) thought it a waste of time since they "already have good reason to believe they're making great strides with overseas marketing and, like us, probably have a hard time imagining that sports are the best way to improve our international relations."

But let's roll with it. The rest of the world may hate us, but we say once they get to know Rae Carruth or John Rocker or Ruben Droughns, all will be forgotten (or pitied).

U.S. House: Enough Foreign Policy Bushit.

2006-05-23T23:13:00.000-04:00

In a vote opposed by the White House and widely viewed as a restriction (GASP) on the White House's foreign policy powers, the House today voted overwhelmingly (361-37) to restrict funding to the Palestinian Authority while it is being controlled by the terrorist group Hamas. Via Reuters:

The vote came during Israeli Prime Minister Ehud Olmert's first trip to Washington, where a topic was expected to be how to ease the Palestinians' humanitarian crisis while isolating the Hamas Islamists controlling the Palestinian government.

The Bush administration contends this bill would tie its hands in that effort. The administration has cut off direct aid to the Hamas-led government, but the bill would put into law more sweeping bans.

Whaddyaknow. Congress actually passed something that checks the powers of the executive branch (don't hold your breath, the Senate still has to agree to it). Next thing you know, they'll pass a budget or some real reforms.

No, officer. You have to FIND it.

2006-05-23T22:41:00.000-04:00

Last week, FSU's key basketball recruit -- a 7-foot local product -- was arrested after a traffic stop in Florida. He had pot, cocaine, and drug paraphernalia on him.

The best part of the story, however, is where he was hiding the powder (think cavity search), and how the officers discovered it (think "spread em," literally): via Tallahassee Democrat

The search allegedly turned up a plastic bag with approximately 15 grams of marijuana and a digital scale under the passenger's seat with marijuana residue on it. Kreft was placed in custody.
According to the report, ''Kreft then stated to us that he had something else on him, and said it was in the (crevice) of his buttocks. Jonathan was then given permission to retrieve it, at which time he stuck his hands between his buttocks, and a small plastic bag fell to the ground with suspect cocaine in it."

That's right. Not only was the basketball star playing Columbian-smuggler in the car, he decided to one up that undedicated hussy Maria-Full-of-Grace and hide it in his "low block." And he offered the information voluntarily; wasn't asked to show off how to box out or anything.

Anyway, today FSU rescinded his scholarship. Apparently they don't hold basketballers to the same, er, standards to which they hold their football players.

"You are no Jack Kennedy."

2006-05-23T12:40:00.000-04:00

And with that, Lloyd Bentsen delivered one of the all-time great verbal backhands, in politics or any other arena.

It was 1988, the vice presidential debate, and the exchange with slapee Dan Quayle went like this:

Potatoe: "I have as much experience in the Congress as Jack Kennedy did when he sought the presidency."

Lloyd: "Senator, I served with Jack Kennedy. I knew Jack Kennedy. Jack Kennedy was a friend of mine. Senator, you are no Jack Kennedy."

It's a good thing Lloyd is remembered for that and his 28 noble years of service in the Senate, rather than the lashing he and Mike "The Tank" Dukakis took in '88. But it wasn't Lloyd's fault, he did all he could.

Lloyd passed away today at the age of 85. But his legacy of having the greatest one-liner in the history of political TV will live on much, much longer.

Video to come...

It's a f&%$*# horse!

2006-05-22T23:47:00.000-04:00

We always wondered what that kid who wore the hockey helmet to elementary school would do when he grew up...

OK we apologize. That's a doc at the University of Pennsylvania (much smarter than we are, hence the potshot). But a question remains: why so much interest?

It's a horse. He broke his leg. Happens all the time. Can someone tell us why this is garnering so much attention?

Until we get a good reason, we're going with the stock answer: NBC knows they are screwed so they're milking this for all it's worth.

Weah Weeklies, 5/22 edition

2006-05-22T23:12:00.000-04:00

It's that time again, the weekly awards as only Sporlitics (and George Weah) can bring em...

Weah to go:
1) Michael Barrett: Gotta be #1 this week. Thanks, Mike. (reasons listed here) Any shot that Commish Selig, in leiu of a suspension, send Mikey a box o' chocolates?
2) English-speakers: New Senate bill gives us the permanent upper hand...
3) non-english speakers: ...until that same bill was derailed on account of semantics. Turns out no-one has the upper hand.
4) Barry Bonds: Come on. Even off a tee, 714 is damn impressive. Especially for a geriatric.

On the Weah down:
1) Barry: He did it on more juice than that cute little Welch's girl.
2) The NBA: Makin us wait 4 days for game 7 of the ClipJoint/Suns smackdown? Why don't you hand Nash the series...
3) (GOP) Congresspeople: A slew of new articles detailing how many more congressional races are in play this November, and most of them are occupied by GOP pols.

The "Take that, Darwin" Award of the week:
Mark Oaten, member of British Parliament. Resigned earlier this year after having an affair with a male prostitute. That's not the award-winning part. His excuse for his actions? Pressure because he was losing his hair. We couldn't make this up if we tried.

Affirmed's legend lives another day

2006-05-20T19:25:00.000-04:00

Please, no Elmer's Glue jokes. We really do feel bad for Barbaro and his "connections" (as they kept saying on NBC).

But: Shouldn't a triple crown be won against the best competition, not only 8 other horses? Affirmed beat Seattle Slew and Alydar, horses who won loads of other races and one triple crown. That's competition. Barbaro had a bunch of also-rans.

Barbaro apparently has a fractured ankle, something that could be life-threatening. According the Bob Costas and NBC's bang-up job this evening (couldn't they at least have pretended to be happy for Bernardino), the horse is off to a Vet hospital in Philly (Penn, we think). Let's hope he ends up livin the life of a stud.

In the meantime, NBC is wiping its tears.

Thank you, Michael Barrett

2006-05-20T17:59:00.000-04:00

For doing something the rest of the world has wanted to do for a long, long time.

In the 2nd inning of today's interleague game, White Sox catcher A.J. Pierzynski bowled over his Cubs counterpart when only a slide was needed, and to add some of his token class, pounded the plate and stared at Barrett afterwards. Barrett, in a fit of keepin-it-real, got up, hugged A.J., and then...

POW! Coldcocked him. Right in the left jaw, a cleaner hit than in most baseball "fights."

The reason the world owes Michael Barrett a thank-you is because Pierzynski is widely known as the biggest asshole in baseball; the only man ever to play with Barry Bonds and yet be liked less by his teammates. Some stories from the towns A.J. was run out of (and even some where he still is):

1) "During a Giants exhibition game last spring, Pierzynski took a shot to his, shall we say, private parts. Trainer Stan Conte rushed to the scene, placed his hands on Pierzynski's shoulders in a reassuring way, and asked how it felt. "Like this," said Pierzynski, viciously delivering a knee to Conte's groin. It was a real test of professionalism for the enraged Conte, who vowed to ignore Pierzynski for the rest of the season until Conte realized how that would look." (Source: SF Chronicle)

2) White Sox GM Kenny Williams on A.J.: "We just have to remind him sometimes, 'Hey, A.J., this is the big leagues. Don't make fun of hitters after they strike out.'"

3) (from 2004) "The latest incident reportedly occurred before Wednesday's game against the Atlanta Braves, when two players confirmed to the Tribune that Pierzynski ignored starting pitcher Brett Tomko's request to go over opposing hitters. Instead, the players said, Pierzynski resumed playing cards for another 20 minutes."

4) "...according to two Giants players, the Padres' Phil Nevin said Pierzynski was criticizing (his own) pitchers while Nevin was at the plate."

The list could go on and on (and if readers have any good stories, pass them on and we'll put em up). The point is that Barrett may never get plunked again; he did something everyone else has been waiting to do.

UPDATE 1: Thanks to imjudyb, who reminded us of one we somehow left off: AJ running to first base during last year's ALCS. Hustle? Maybe. Rubbing it in later? Oh, so A.J.

Poll-dancing, GOP-style

2006-05-17T09:14:00.000-04:00

From this morning's WashPost (analysis later)...

"Public confidence in GOP governance has plunged to the lowest levels of the Bush presidency, with Americans saying by wide margins that they now trust Democrats more than Republicans to deal with Iraq, the economy, immigration and other issues, according to a Washington Post-ABC News poll that underscores the GOP's fragile grip on power six months before the midterm elections."

Incommunicado (That's spanish)

2006-05-16T13:44:00.000-04:00

Two recent examples of how the two men most credited with the GOP always being the party of clear, concise messaging (President Bush and his lead advisor, Karl Rove) royally screwed up with some verbal diarrhea recently.

El Presidente, whose splendiforous speaking came on the topic of tax cuts: (WashPost)

In January, George W. Bush declared that, "by cutting the taxes on the American people, this economy is strong, and the overall tax revenues have hit at record levels." Regrettably, this endorsement of what his dad called voodoo economics was not a one-time oversight. The next month, Bush told a New Hampshire audience, "You cut taxes and the tax revenues increase."

Mr. Rove's semantic stumble came in front of conservative think-tank AEI yesterday. He was talking about...uh...who really cares what he was talking about. Per WashPost, here's the quote (everyone think Brownie):

Discussing the Bush administration's record on illegal immigration, he blurted out, "We're doing a heck of a job."

Ouch! Only months after Rove's boss made that statement a notorious synonym for incompetent leadership, Rove used it to describe his own boss.

For once, the Democrats look like the competent public communicators.

Weah Weeklies, Week of 5.08

2006-05-14T20:45:00.000-04:00

From former veeps to coachspeak, this week's Weahs has it all...

Weah to go:
1) Albert Pujols: 19 dingers in 38 games. 0 questions about steroids. See, Barry? When you smile once in a while, you get a pass.
2) Al Gore: Ex-VP steals the show on SNL, gives opening speech as if he were elected in 2000 (transcript). Highlight: "In the last 6 years we have been able to stop global warming. No one could have predicted the negative results of this. Glaciers that once were melting are now on the attack."

On the Weah down:
1) Brad Lidge: Astros closer is no longer the closer, maybe soon no longer an Astro. All-star blew 3 saves, has 2 losses, and has struggled with his control.
2) Gen. Michael Hayden: Rummy's pick to take over the CIA is about to incur a serious fight, considering a) Senators now have balls, and b) Hayden fought the NSA lawyers to allow the domestic wiretaps.

The "Take that, Darwin" award of the week (this week doubles as "Take that, Webster"):
Has to go to Brewers manager Ned Yost. His GM traded for a lefty specialist, whose fastball tops out at a web-ripping 83 mph. Yost described the pitcher with one word: "deceptional."

Clinton more honest than Bush?

2006-05-13T22:16:00.000-04:00

Of all the slaps in the face this administration has taken recently, this has to be the Rick Jamesiest.

CNN has a new poll comparing Americans' perceptions of Bush with those of Clinton. Some of the results are not surprising -- Clinton cleaned up, by almost a 2:1 margin, on handling of the economy and solving the problems of ordinary Americans -- but the real five-fingers-to-the-cheek are the numbers that got Bush (re)elected:

When asked which man was more honest as president, poll respondents were more evenly divided, with the numbers -- 46 percent Clinton to 41 percent Bush -- falling within the poll's margin of error. The same was true for a question on handling national security: 46 percent said Clinton performed better; 42 percent picked Bush.

Ouch. Bush's bread n' butter were morals (in 2000) and foreign policy (in 2004). Republicans love to shift as much blame as possible back to the Slick Willie years -- and they probably won't stop after this poll -- but now we realize most of the country's nostalgia for the 90's.

Now President Bush can be forever known as that President who made Clinton look honest.

Like Sherman returning to Atlanta

2006-05-11T11:47:00.000-04:00

The great thing about being President (besides having your own plane, your own seal, and your own interns) is that no matter how low your approval ratings go, there's always some college ready to welcome you for their commencement.

Last year it was Calvin, this year it's the Mississippi Gulf Coast Community College in Biloxi. In fact, the only place that wants President Bush to speak is the site of his biggest presidential debacle. This from a local news station:

The school used to be Mississippi's biggest two-year college, but enrollment has dropped by a third after Hurricane Katrina did millions of dollars worth of damage to its eight campuses.

Aides says Bush will "challenge" the graduates to contribute their talent and energy to the rebuilding effort.

What if he started by challenging Washington to be a little more responsive next time?

Who misses 'roids?

2006-05-10T12:56:00.000-04:00

The genius that is Donald Fehr strikes again...

"If players and owners don't agree to a new labor contract by Aug. 1, the union has until Aug. 15 to unilaterally end the new drug policy as of Dec. 19, when the current collective bargaining agreement expires."

Sweet! More long balls (or small balls, as it were). More thick necks. More jowls.

Don Fehr is the devil.

Now that we're past that, we can observe that he is the most powerful union leader since Samuel Gompers. He continues to represent his clients to the best of his (or anyone else's) abilities, and makes Bud Selig look like a vapid shlub for bonus points. Honestly, the Globetrotters go easier on the Nationals.

While steroids were legal for us, Fehr was able to make them permissable in our national pasttime. This was the crowning achievement in Fehr's quest to make the MLBPA the most powerful union on the planet, one whose members are above the law of the land.

And now we learn that Fehr has hogtied Selig once again. If Bud does not sign a deal by August, the union wins, steroids are legal, and Bud looks more inept than Elmer Fudd. Don't think Fehr won't use that as leverage in the negotiations.

The Don strikes again.

The hard-workin, sporlitickin congress

2006-05-10T11:32:00.000-04:00

Let it never be said that our Conrgess gets nothing done.

They may be on track to be in session less than Truman's "do-nothing" 1947-48 Congress, but dammit, they had a true Sporli-day yesterday. Some of their accomplishments:

H.R. 4902: "To award a Congressional gold medal to Byron Nelson in recognition of his significant contributions to the game of golf as a player, a teacher, and a commentator."

(later that same day)

H.Res. 627: "Resolved, That the House of Representatives congratulates Chris Carpenter on being named the Cy Young Award winner for the National League for the 2005 Major League Baseball season."

Glorious. And don't think that this was a one-day anomaly. Last week these nincompoops passed H.Res. 626 which, you guessed it, "Congratulat(es) Albert Pujols on being named the Most Valuable Player for the National League for the 2005 Major League Baseball season."

Both the Carpenter and Pujols landmarks were sponsored by Rep. Russ Carnahan, D-MO. (If the name rings a bell, it's because his father, while deceased, beat soon-to-be AG John Ashcroft for Senate in 2000.) The Nelson award was courtesy of Rep. Michael Burgess, R-TX (he even brags about the bill on his site).

By the way: Byron is 84 years old. If he gets an award, it should be for outliving all his competition.

There is a moral to this story. This Congress is in session less than any since the do-nothings (30 days in 4 months for the House, 48 days for the Senate, with summer vacation coming fast), and is on pace to pass the least amount of legislation since records were kept, and they are spending their time on this.

We give the last word to Dana Milbank of the Washington Post:

"On the other hand, the 1947-48 Congress blatantly ignored the contributions of Pujols."

Exactly what Barry's image needed

2006-05-09T17:33:00.000-04:00

Need PR help? In baseball? Call John Rocker.

America's favorite racist reliever came to the defense of America's favorite overweight outfielder. We're sure Barry's thrilled: (via Dalton Citizen)

“They’re basically just ganging up on him,” Rocker said. “You can accuse him, and people who have never done steroids call themselves experts and say, ‘I know Barry did this, I know Barry did that.’”

Ah, to be a dead cell in that brain. The musings continue...

“But at that point and time the pitchers were doing the same thing the hitters were doing,” Rocker said of alleged rampant steroid use among baseball players. “There may have been people cheating but the opportunity to cheat was there for everybody. So in retrospect, the field was technically level.”

Philosophy 101, brought to you by John Rocker.

Was there any doubt that he has a book coming out? We can't wait til the local pre-schoolers read it and translate it for us.

Weah Weeklies, delayed edition

2006-05-09T16:47:00.000-04:00

Weah Weekly time, and we apologize for the delay. Still getting over the hangover from partying with Porter and his hookers over the weekend.

Weah to go:
1) LA Clippers: The Clip-joint wins their first playoff series since 1976, when they were the Buffalo Braves. Some perspective? 10 of their players were not yet born. This is what happens when only most of your team is high all the time. Who's beating who's head now, D-Miles?
2) Patrick Kennedy: Bad news: off to rehab after a disturbing pattern of reckless behavior. Good news: won't be around this month when it all hits the fan for Congress.
3) Rick Santorum: Anyone who says he is serious about lobbying reform, then takes a lobbyist's plane, and still picks up points in the polls has had a good week.

On the Weah down:
1) Porter Goss: Head of the CIA is sacked without a replacement at the ready. Likely reason: he felt snubbed by Negroponte being picked last year. Fun reason: He is involved in the Duke Cunningham/defense contractor/prostitute scandal.
2) Kobe: The MJ talk ends here. Win, then we'll talk. On the plus side, he talked about poop and got away with it.
3) Laura Bush: Adored First Lady has a moy awkward moment on CNN, looks like she is taking orders from the hubby. At least someone's listening to him.

The "Take That, Darwin" Award of the Week:
Marcus Vick: Techincally, he could get this every week. But he went undrafted, and then decided to try out in the land of South Beach. Even Ricky Williams couldn't cut it there. Good luck, Marcus.

The Lakers Dropped the Big One

2006-05-05T08:55:00.000-04:00

Kobe scored 50, Steve Nash missed much of the game with a groin strain (too much partying the night before, wethinks), and Raja Bell was suspended for the game. And the Suns still won.

The highlight, though, came in the post-game press conference. When Kobe dropped (pun intended) this nefarious nugget: (via LA Times)

"When you go to the bathroom, you can't stand there and look at what you just dropped," he said afterward. "At some point, you have to flush."

Kobe said he was talking about moving past the loss and looking ahead to game 7.

Any athlete knows he was talking about the well-known pre-game dump.

But...I meant...uh...smile and nod, smile and nod...

2006-05-04T23:21:00.000-04:00

Yes, she's the most popular first lady in a long time (although anyone looks good when married to 32%. Come on, she gets points just cause we feel bad). And yes, she seems very nice and does good work helping kids read or whatever unthreatening thing it is first ladies not named Hillary do.

But come ON. Think independently. At least pretend.

Laura Bush, while being interviewed on CNN, was asked about the new spanish anthem by John King. Notice how she flips quicker than Kerry... (see the video here. It's classic.)

KING: One of the debates in the country right now is about immigration reform, illegal immigration. One of the controversies is this new Spanish language version of the national anthem. Your husband the president says he thinks it should only be in English. But if you go to the state department website you can find it, I think, in four languages. Secretary Rice says she’s heard rap versions.

MRS. BUSH: Well, we’ve all heard different versions like at the Super Bowl every year. I don’t think there is anything wrong with singing it in Spanish. The point is it’s the United States national anthem and what people want is it to be sung in a way that respects the United States and our culture. At the same time, we are a nation of immigrants. We are a nation of many, many languages, because immigrants come and bring their languages.

KING: Is that an issue you disagree with your husband? He says it should be sung in English.

MRS. BUSH: I think it should be sung in English, of course.

BAM! See that? She learned something from her husband: just be decisive, smile, and no one will notice you said something mind-numbingly stupid.

It's OK. She could have been confused. As we learned from Scotty McClellan, the Prez's spanish is "not that good."

Weekly Weahs

2006-04-30T14:02:00.000-04:00

It's that time again. Weekly Weahs, named after the great Sporlitician...

Weah to go:
1) Steve Bridges: Bush impersonator (he's on the right) upstages President at the annual Correspondents' Dinner. Highlight was futile attempt to show President how to pronounce "nuclear."
2) New Orleans Saints: All week were going to trade down because they didn't need a QB. Then the best draftee in years fell into their lap.
3) The NFL: Hours upon hours of draft coverage, complete with man-tears and terrible hair from the hosts. And still, we all watched. Cha-ching.

On the Weah down:
1) Houston Texans: It doesn't matter what you could or could not get in a trade. If you didn't want the best player in the draft, trade down. Get some extra picks. The Jets wanted Reggie; the Texans could have had the Brick, who may help faster than Mario, with that pick.
2) Anyone with a car: 60 cents in a month. Increases of 10 cents/week are now routine. When will it stop? A night of suicidal enchiladas has never caused this much gas pain.
3) Stephen Colbert: We love him, we really do. And he was hysterical at the Correspondents' Dinner last night. But he was too political in his faux right-wing act, and reporters even said it was too much. Still, it was damn funny.

The "Take That, Darwin" Award of the week:
Ofatai King. He got a crane and moved six newsstands--as in uprooted them from University City and put them down near 12th street. Moved whole newsstands. Across a major metropolitan city. With a crane.

How much would it cost?

2006-04-30T13:18:00.000-04:00

The original Duke scandal, that of the esteemed Congressman from San Diego, revealed a newer, even more entertaining twist this week. Per WashPost:

Federal authorities are investigating allegations that a California defense contractor arranged for a Washington area limousine company to provide prostitutes to convicted former congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-Calif.) and possibly other lawmakers, sources familiar with the probe said yesterday.

In addition to The Duke taking millions in bribes--including getting a house and a yacht, named "The Duke Stir"--he allegedly would call his defense contractor buddies, who would send him a limo that would take him to the Westin with hos in tow.

At least they did it with class.

Side Sporlinote: take a look at Duke. Don't ever tell us prostitution is easy. It's not like you can pick and choose your customers. It's not a buffet; not when you're the dish, anyway.

After all this, the San Diego district seat from which Duke resigned will still probably go to a Republican in next month's runoff. Here's a vote for Francine Busby.

Bushwhacked

2006-04-29T13:47:00.000-04:00

We told you so.

Thus far, 11 picks into the draft, we have gotten only 2 wrong.

So what if it was the first two picks, and the only picks we made?

Onto the analysis...

Matt Leinart has got to be thrilled. He'll still be rich, he'll still be on a moderately crappy team, but the negatives end there. The positives are endless:

1) He will throw to Larry Fitzgerald and Quan.

2) Arizona is getting a new stadium.

3) He will hand off to Edge James.

4) Denny Green is a spectacular players coach.

5) He will throw to Larry Fitzgerald and Quan.

6) He is in a PAC-10 area, with fans who will appreciate him (if they even pay close enough attention to scrutinize).

7) He will throw to Larry Fitzgerald and Quan.

Meanwhile, his Heisman mate is sent to purgatory...

We knew we were funny, but this funny?

2006-04-28T11:08:00.000-04:00

Remember that time in Little League when you were so bored in right field that you started counting dandelions and daydreaming of the post-game hot dog? (Well we don't, cause we were busy pitching or playing in the infield, with the skill players, but we digress.) This is what can happen when you're bored on the field (via KC Star):

The start of the O-Royals’ game on Monday was delayed five minutes, according to the Omaha World-Herald, because Kerry Robinson had a chest muscle spasm in center field. Trainer Jeff Stevenson told the newspaper that the muscle spasm was triggered when Robinson was laughing at the antics of a youth team that was involved in a pregame promotion.

This has got to rank among the greatest baseball injuries ever, just below John Smoltz ironing his shirt while he was still wearing it.

The real question is, what were those kids doing that was so funny? Kerry, can you help us out on this one? We bet they were just portly.

Big, brass ones

2006-04-27T15:30:00.000-04:00

The political climate is supposedly "terrible" for Republicans. There are gas prices, bad immigration bills, the President's approval ratings dipping somewhere near Anna Nicole's, and Abramoff.

They were supposed to have gone home on their monthly 2-week break only to return back with their tails between their legs, in fear of the wrath of the electorate. And then comes the lede in a WashPost article this morning:

The scandal surrounding disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been a Washington obsession for months, but Republican lawmakers who returned from a two-week recess this week said they felt free to pass a relatively tepid ethics bill because their constituents rarely mention the issue.

Are we reading this correctly? The lawmakers came back from two weeks with voters with the mindset that they are fine and dandy to pass toothless reform? They are either morons, in possession of "muchos huevos grandes" as Mr. Colbert would say, or they realize that the American public is getting dumber and dumber.

(We pick option C). The article continues:

Lawmakers acknowledge that the bill is more limited in its scope and impact than the provisions promised by congressional leaders immediately after Abramoff's guilty plea to federal charges of bribery, conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud nearly four months ago. But they say they do not feel compelled to push more stringent measures partly because voters do not appear to be demanding them.

Ah, we were right. It has nothing to do with manly endowment--although it is pretty intrepid that they are openly admitting to weak "reform"--but rather the fact that they know the voters don't care.

Three cheers for a government of the people.

The only thing that could save the GOP

2006-04-27T15:27:00.000-04:00

We'll take, "The only way to get conservatives off their asses and to the voting booths this November" for $400, Alex.

Why the Post is amazing

2006-04-27T10:25:00.000-04:00

Front page of yesterday's NY Post, referencing the hanging of Slick Willie's portrait in the Smithsonian. And other things...

We love it. LOVE. IT.

(side Sporlinote: Notice the lack of the ring on his finger? You're not alone...)

Draft-dodger

2006-04-25T12:46:00.000-04:00

Did Reggie Bush's family hurt his stock as the #1 pick by living in a would-be agent's house? Are the Texans really thinking of taking NC State's Mario Williams? Are we completely and totally sick of Mel Kiper (right) and TJ?

Yes, yes but only with a lower pick, and yes, but we still love Salisbury and will still be glued to the draft-day coverage this weekend. Can't get enough of the NFL, even in April.

Here's how we see draft-day shaking down:

The Texans will, after not getting a deal like the Chargers got for the Ricky Williams and Eli Manning picks, select Reggie Bush, despite advice to the contrary from their Sporlifriends. They should take whatever deal they get and drop to 3 or 4, taking D-Brick to help their offensive line. They won't get Mario Williams unless the Saints trade down.

The Saints will stay put and take Mario Williams, since they lost their best pass rusher to free agency and already have Drew Brees (we could hear Matt Leinart exhale all the way out here). Unless of course, by some stroke of stupidity, Bush is still available at No. 2.

After that? Well, who the hell knows. Find a monkey, a dartboard, and sit back and enjoy. We're pretty sure that's what Mel does the other 10 months a year, anyway.

Sporlinote to teams: Please, PLEASE, don't take your full 15 minutes, everybody. You've had 3 months. You should know what to do. I can't listen to the talking heads that much.

The Oil Decider

2006-04-25T12:26:00.000-04:00

President Bush joined the election year pandering of his colleagues this morning when he announced that we would stop adding oil to the reserves he refused to tap even when Katrina hit.

This is all well and good, and may save us a cent or two in the long run. But the bigger problem is our general oil appetite (see cute/clever cartoon).

If we as a planet--beginning with us snotty Americans--do not slow down our consumption of oil, we will all be in big trouble. It is an equation so simple that even politicians should understand it (we have put their translation in big letters so all the old white men in Washington can read it):

There is a fixed commodity (ONLY SO MUCH OF ONE THING, AND WE CANNOT MAKE MORE), and ever-increasing inelastic demand (LOTS OF PEOPLE WANT IT, AND WANT IT MORE, NO MATTER THE PRICE). Therefore, at some point, the commodity will be exhausted (OIL GO BYE-BYE).

There are ethical issues with the record profits that oil companies are making these days, certainly. But that is nearly all our own doing. We have put off energy reform for years, thanks in large part to Dick and Bush letting oil executives write our energy policy. We can make oil companies give a part of their profits to the consumers, but that will only do what we have been doing: delay real solutions that are inevitably needed.

Somehow many Americans don't realize that the rest of the civilized world pays 2 and 3 times as much for their gas. We have been lucky, and it's time to wake up.

Sadly, this may not happen anytime soon. Congress will have more empty hearings so they can show that they pressed the execs. Prices will temporarily go down this summer once the oil companies finish revamping their refineries to meet environmental standards. And a year from now, we will still see rising prices.

Another reason to pray there isn't another Katrina.

"What? We beat the crap out of dudes, too..."

2006-04-25T12:18:00.000-04:00

They may be racist.
They may be homophobic.
But hey, they're not sexist.

One of the accused Duke lacrosse players has an outstanding court date stemming from an assault in November. He and a couple of his buddies (sound familiar?) beat up another young man after the victim told them to "stop calling him gay and other derogatory names."

You can't spell "elite upper-class snob" without "class."

All this leads to even worse public sentiment towards the accused players--as if it could have gotten worse--in a time when their lawyers are attempting to commandeer the records of the accused rape victim so they can smear her on the stand. We'll see how it goes...

Hey, it was better than his last sporting outing

2006-04-12T09:19:00.000-04:00

In a true Sporlimoment, head man Dick Cheney pushed out the first pitch before the Nationals' home opener yesterday. The pitch made it to the plate after a couple bounces, but give the man a break. He's 65, has a bad heart, and is responsible for one of the worst foreign-policy gaffes in our nation's history.

The interesting tidbit came via the AP:

Greeted with loud boos and some cheers, Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the ceremonial first pitch Tuesday at the Washington Nationals’ home opener.
He stood directly in front of the mound and released a ball that hit the dirt in front of home plate. Nationals catcher Brian Schneider scooped it up.
Cheney wore a red-and-blue Nationals jacket that seemed bulky, perhaps filled out by a bulletproof vest. Security agents ringed the top edge of the outdoor stadium.

Check out the pic and the video, and there's no doubt that he was wearing something underneath that jacket. Be sure to listen for the loud boos over the FOX anchor's best efforts to drown them out. It's a bitch when you actually have to listen to outside-the-bubblers, ain't it?

Weah Weeklies, 4/3 edition

2006-04-09T19:43:00.000-04:00

Once again, our weekly Weahs, in honor of the pride of Liberia...

Weah to go:
1) Senate conservatives: Stevens takes one home, finally. They successfully block a series of bills that they deem "amnesty" and have the moderates name-calling. Good for them; can we move on yet?
2) Phil Mickelson: Wins the masters. Much like the Senate cons--good for him, everyone still hates you.
3) Matt Lauer: Try and tell us he wasn't totally sick of her. He must've been pacing for at least five years now, mumbling, "I swear if I hear the fucking word perky one more time..."

On the Weah down:
1) Bush and his boss: they get fingerbanged on the same week that their budget proposal to the House falls apart and an Iraqi general declares civil war.
2) College Basketball: Lose a great up-and-comer in Maggie Dixon. Tragic.
3) The great state of Delaware: Men across the state feel emasculated (<--see Phil) when they hear student had sex with teacher 28 times in a week. Feel much better when they see the "culprit." DE loses either way.

The "Take that, Darwin" Award of the Week:
Our good friend PM Silvio: A billionaire with the power of incumbency. But after years of supporting the war amidst national furor, falslely blaming a shitty economy on the Euro, and faux-banging an unprepared meter maid (see many posts below for the video), he lost his re-election bid. American liberals hope this is a portend of November, but not even Republicans are as stupid as he.

Why Immigration is fine

2006-04-09T16:26:00.000-04:00

Leave it to Congress: If it ain't broke, fix it.

A record-high number of Americans are uninsured. The gap between the rich and the poor is increasing by the year. And America's kids are fucking stupid.

So what does Congress decide to spend their time on before the 2-week Easter break? (that's right, 2 weeks off. These legislators are in session less than any Congress ever)

They talk about the immigration issue. Let's revisit America's immigration "problem":

We have relatively peaceful, assimilated, working immigrants, whatever language they speak. France and Europe have disenfranchised, poor, unemployed, rioting immigrants. They have a guest worker program.

Our system sure isn't perfect, but dammit, it's the best one around. Europe has an immigration mess, from Madrid to Moscow, and we are suddenly trying to duplicate it. Why?

Votes. Both sides are pining for votes from the burdgeoning latino community. It's pathetic, it's misguided, and it's taking time and attention away from much more important issues.

Italian fans show some classi

2006-04-09T16:02:00.000-04:00

It hasn't been long since the soccer community was embarassed by Spanish fans who made monkey noises and threw peanuts at African Player of the Year Samuel Eto'o of Barca.

We are within 2 weeks of our good friend, Italian PM Silvio Burlesque-oni, ramming a meter maid on his way to the car. (Can't see that video enough).

Now come reports that Inter Milan's fans waited for their team at the airport after Inter's elimination from the Champions League, but not to applaud the team's efforts. They welcomed their players with masks, slurs, and beatdowns, and one Inter player left with bruises on his head.

Seriously, the Euro soccer fans are among the most loyal in the world. But they are often disgusting. The racism (especially in Spain and England) has been bad for years and has often operated under the rest of the world's radar--although after the Eto'o debacle European Parliament officials drafted a resolution to give referees the power to abandon matches in such cases. It is certainly reflective of parts of Europe's xenophobic culture, but the racists feel more weclome near the pitch. Italy agreed to start cracking down, and England has done a better job, but the only ones who are equipped to halt it are the fellow fans.

We're sorry

2006-04-09T15:59:00.000-04:00

except not really.

Some of our more astute readers have pointed out that the previous post does not exactly follow along in the lines of our credo: sports and/or politics.

We don't care. But just for integrity's sake...

The politics of the school district will surely come into play here. Besides, you try and tell me it doesn't take a serious athlete to have sex with that 28 times in one week. ONE WEEK. That's seven times a day; and if they were only gettin it on in school days, thats almost 6x a day. Gross.

There you go. Politics and sports.

Woof. Just woof.

2006-04-05T09:15:00.000-04:00

Two pre-teen boys. Two teachers. One will be looked upon for the rest of his life as the coolest pre-teen this side of JTT. One will be forever asked "Why??" Here are the teachers, and you can guess which kid goes with which teacher.
Exhibit A:

Exhibit B:

Yeah, yeah, it's sick that they bedded these boys. But let's be real: if you're 13, and exhibit b wants you--she was 23 at the time--what would you say?

On the other hand, exhibit A, which was revealed yesterday from our crazy neighbor...wow.

Who wants to bet that while B got off (pun FULLY intended), A gets time in the slammer?

I got your right to choose right here

2006-03-31T14:27:00.000-05:00

In a continuing theme of public political faces inexlpicably misbehaving in front of cameras (see Silvio), Justice/ Official-right-wing-nutjob/ Dick-Cheney-hunting-buddy-who-escapes-unharmed Antonin Scalia was in Boston recently for a speech, and looked RIGHT AT A CAMERA before making this obscene Sicilian gesture:

The Boston Herald first reported the story, which was refuted by Scalia (did he not recall the lens directly in front of his face?), and today the photographer came forward with the photo. The Herald printed it:

Amid a growing national controversy about the gesture U.S. Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia made Sunday at the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, the freelance photographer who captured the moment has come forward with the picture.

“It’s inaccurate and deceptive of him to say there was no vulgarity in the moment,” said Peter Smith, the Boston University assistant photojournalism professor who made the shot.
Despite Scalia’s insistence that the Sicilian gesture was not offensive and had been incorrectly characterized by the Herald as obscene, the photographer said the newspaper “got the story right.”
Smith said the jurist “immediately knew he’d made a mistake, and said, ‘You’re not going to print that, are you?’ ”

That's right, the lovely lifetime benchwarmer made the gesture in a church. He and Dick have more in common than just shooting small animals (everyone remember when Cheney told Sen. Patrick Leahy to "go fuck yourself"?).

And as for the alleged ambiguity of the whole gesture, we know a vile motion when we see one. We even asked Giovanni the pizza-owner for confirmation.

It's cool though, we'll get him when he's up for re-election. Wait...

Turkey, Baghdad. They all hate us, right?

2006-03-29T23:42:00.000-05:00

Another lesson of pissed-off liberal bloggers using their way-to-abundant free time to take down GOP candidates:

Howard Kaloogian, one of 12 Republicans running to replace the convicted felon Randy "Duke" Cunningham, posted a photo on his web site recently displaying a "peaceful" Baghdad. Problem is, the photo was of Istanbul, Turkey. It had this caption:

Downtown Baghdad: We took this photo of dowtown [sic] Baghdad while we were in Iraq. Iraq (including Baghdad) is much more calm and stable than what many people believe it to be. But, each day the news media finds any violence occurring in the country and screams and shouts about it -- in part because many journalists are opposed to the U.S. effort to fight terrorism.

Howie is running on an anti-mainstream media campaign, and wanted to show how peaceful Baghdad is these days. Never motivate the bloggers...

Philly fans love cocks?

2006-03-29T22:58:00.000-05:00

Too easy. Just too easy...

Apparently the Phillies marketing team made a huge mistake (brilliant marketing ploy?) with their season ticket holder DVD. Contained in a few lucky recipients' DVDs were hours--HOURS--of genuine cockfighting. Sweeeeeeet.

6abc, as always, is on top of the real news in the area.

No connection was immediately available between the Phillies and the matadors, but we hear that bidders unhappy with their hens hurled Duracells their way.

Rich punks, take 2

2006-03-29T22:29:00.000-05:00

Some more developments have surfaced in the last 24 hours regarding the Duke lacrosse scandal...

Smoking Gun has posted the original (and graphic) police report;

we learn (via the AP) that 15 players had priors. To be fair, this is entirely normal on a college campus, depending on the school's level of security. Almost all the charges were minor and alcohol-related (ie-carrying an open container), so this was made to be a bigger deal than it is;

The team broke its silence...sort of. The captains released a short, carefully-worded statement after meeting with the President again. They called the allegations "totally and transparently false." Despite their proclaimed innocence, they continue to stonewall the authorities.

For bios on the alleged perpetrators, see the new link we've posted.

Still monitoring...

Berl-esque

2006-03-29T21:28:00.000-05:00

Who's that prickly pol?

That lewd leader?

That sensual statesman?

OK, we're finished. That, ladies and gents, is everyone's favorite Italian Prime Minister, Silvio Berlusconi, playing "hide the salami" with an unsuspecting woman on his way to his escort (car, not woman).

The video first appeared stateside on Countdown with Keith Olbermann, and has since been making the rounds on the internet. Say what you will about the gall of this glad-hander, but one fact will make everything just:

Silvio's in an election year.

See the video

High-Yield Bonds

2006-03-29T20:00:00.000-05:00

Three cheers for revisionist history!

Apparently Bud Selig feels so shocked--and castrated--by the recent revelations (GASP!) that Barry Bonds took steroids. As if that wasn't enough, there may have been others, too! NOOOOOOO!

In order to rectify this pissing on our pastime, good ol' Bud has appointed George Mitchell, former Democratic Senator (Bud obviously is a big Sporlitics fan) and current Disney chairman of the board, to head a task force to...wait for it...wait for it...investigate Barry Bonds! ...and any past offenders, but probably noone named McGwire, Sosa, Giambi, Vaughn, or Thomas. But shh! Don't tell nobody.

Cork it, Bud. There are so many different ways this investigation is both impotent and hypocritical, they're almost not worth listing...aw, come on, of course we're gonna do it:
1) This should have been done years ago. Selig had not one, but two separate CBA negotiations since steroids started being widely used. He had two separate chances to demand of Don Fehr that players obey the law and submit themselves to steroid tests. Even the second time, in 2003, when fans caught the whiff of the juice, Bud succumbed to the mighty union. It appears he has the same problem as many of the juiced players: no balls.
2) Who will be investigated? How will you investigate them? All hearsay? Remember, no one was tested before a couple years ago, so there are no vials of urine waiting to be tested. We are most curious about this part of the investigation. How do you investigate the past if there is no evidence?
3) Let's make the assumption, however grand, that this investigation actually turns up a few high-profile culprits. How do you punish them? Go back and take away stats? Trophies? Keep them out of the Hall? Fat chance. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't do any of this, because...
4) Being on the juice wasn't against the rules! Steroids were as illegal as Gatorade in baseball (and about as prevalent). As Sporlinoted above, Don Fehr convinced Bud Selig time and time again to allow ballplayers to circumvent U.S. law. They could take substances that we could not, and therefore they did not break any rules.

Good luck to Bud. Not for finding any users--which is as easy as looking at some before/after photos--but for pasting together the shards of his legacy.

Duke's week gets WAY worse

2006-03-28T22:00:00.000-05:00

A story that has somehow traveled under the radar for almost a week is just starting to creep out into the open.

Last week the Duke lacrosse team held a bachelor party in which two strippers--both black, both students at nearby North Carolina Central University--were allegedly heckled with racial slurs shortly after the dancing began. They say one was then taken away from the nearly 50 players present (after being told they would be dancing for just a handful) and led into a bathroom where she was allegedly beaten, choked, and raped.

Even though the players have stonewalled the authorities, the University is taking action. 46 of the 47 players were forced to give DNA swabs, and the season has been canceled. It is worth noting that Duke is the #2 team in the nation.

The race of the strippers is notable because the Duke lacrosse team looks like almost every other team--no matter the level: 46 of the 47 players are white. The black player was not made to give a swab because the strippers said the attackers were white.

Lacrosse has always been chock-full of the same types that later commit the white-collar crimes like Enron: rich, white kids whose only possession greater than their wealth is their cockiness and general sense of untouchability. The only difference between them and what they will become thirty years down the road is a total misunderstanding of consequences, a dangerous ingredient.

We still live in a society where you are innocent until proven guilty. There are a few aspects of this case that do not paint things positively for the stud athletes:
1) Duke's severe--and admirable, in the face of passive institutions--actions. If they thought their students were innocent, they would not have taken the drastic actions they have.
2) Rich, white, cocky athletes paying $43,000 a year to go to an almost all-white school in a town, Durham, where half the population is black. Mix that with two black students from the low-income community, and you've got yourself some old-fashioned, Southern-style racial tension.
3) The aforementioned teflon sense of many rich 21-year-olds, combined with the fact that none are cooperating with the authorities.

A tragic story that we all hope comes to a swift, fair conclusion. Monitoring...

Thank you, Ms. Teacher, may I have another?

2006-03-25T10:20:00.000-05:00

Apparently Delaware, our crazy mid-atlantic neighbor, is considering legislation to return spaking to its schools.

You read that correctly: RETURN.

They repealed the law in 2003, thus prohibiting corporal punishment, and now some wahoo named Atkins wants to bring it back. He claims that the schools "were asking for it."

Worst (or best?) part: it's got bi-partisan sponsors. We get to blame everybody!

First Slate has more...

The luckiest team on the face of the earth

2006-03-25T09:39:00.000-05:00

It wasn't the FTs (47 for UConn, 23 for UW). UConn plays inside, Washington does not.

It wasn't the turnovers (26 for UConn), although it should've been.

It was 2 things: the most clutch player in the tournament, Rashad Anderson (the Courant suggests renaming it Rashington, DC), being left open by another Sweet 16 regretter (UW joins Gonzaga and BC as teams that blew big leads in the Sweet 16) on jump shot after late jump shot; and

Brandon Roy, a senior who has been overlooked all year and whom Jim Calhoun called "the most complete player in the country", losing his cool mid-dominance and mid-lead. He decided to remind Rudy Gay who was showing up for the NBA Scouts in attendance, and in the process picked up his 4th foul (see picture). That was it. A double-figure lead evaporated, and the UConn luck streak continued.

Squeaking by Albany? Barely surviving an 8-seed? And now down 11 late to a PAC-10 runner-up? These dogs have many, many lives.

They are dangerously close to becoming the most talented team never to win anything. We are sick of hearing how skilled they are while watching them commit 23 turnovers in the first 25 minutes. At some point you forfeit skill with lazy, stupid play. And the man who would have been on the hook is one of the best in-tourney coaches ever: Mr. Calhoun.

If a team is so consistently empty-headed, you have to blame the coach. That may come soon. But for now, UConn lives to see another day, and a game mid-major playing a home game.

Besides, we still got Nova winning it all. (Big 5 love)

Weah Weekly Awards, 3/20

2006-03-24T09:29:00.000-05:00

And now, for the Weah's, Sporlitics' weekly awards named after a great athlete (George Weah) now making his way into the world of Politics in his home country of Liberia...

Weah to go:
1) George Mason: No matter what they do from here on out, they made some serious headway for the CAA and shutup all those naysayers.
2) Russ Feingold: firmly holds onto his place as ballsiest Senator. Throw in a great appearance on the Daily Show, and it's another solid week.
3) Whomever is winning their pool.

On the Weah down:
1) Dick Vitale, Seth Davis, Billy Packer, and Jim Nantz: All ate crow on (respectively) Duke prediction/love affair, Gonzaga prediction/love affair, railing on MVC, railing on Craig Littlepage (one of the classiest men in sports). Packer/Nantz keep trying to change the subject to the Big 10, but they look like morons, as usual.
2) President Bush: his answer to sagging approval ratings and a disatrous war effort is to call a press conference and beat up on an 85 year-old lady.
3) US Soccer: maybe no one cares, but they got blown out this week against a faltering German squad--although the US was missing many stars.

The "Take that, Darwin" Award of the Week:
JP Bautista, Gonzaga. Derek Raivio was standing right there, wide open. Throw him the damn ball!

How sweet it is...

2006-03-24T08:27:00.000-05:00

...watching 6'6 men cry.

An amazing night of ball last night, one that reminds us (as if we needed a refresher) on why the tourney is what it is.

And why we all hate Duke.

First it was the baby Tigers running rampant over everyone's model program. We had a bunch of freshmen and sophomores driving seniors, consensus all-Americans, crazy. As he has in big games his whole career, JJ Redick shat the bed (never scored 20 in a Sweet 16 game or beyond; last night had more turnovers, 4, than FGs, 3. And cried like a true Duke star). Beyond that, the Devils choked down the stretch and their depth--hey coach, how many McD's all-Americans do you have warming that pine, exactly?--killed them as it always does. And yet again, Coach K was outKoached. Yeah he's won 3 championships, but he has been consistently outsmarted in the tourney recently. Calhoun, Mike Davis, Tom Izzo, and now Mr. Brady. So what if your program recruits itself; learn how to manage a game.

After just enough tears from the Devils and Mr. Vitale, it was time for the main event. Although you wouldn't have known it for the first 30 minutes. UCLA couldn't have hit Starr Jones' ass for the whole first half, yet they found themselves down a managable 13 at the break.

We should pause briefly and acknowledge two things:
1) Adam Morrison and the zags got their wake-up call. Morrison said Gonzaga has "got to be considered a top-notch program." News flash, Ron Jeremy: the Zags hadn't been to the Sweet 16 in 5 years, the Elite Eight in 7. Bradley has gone as far as you in the last 5 years. You are a top-notch mid-major.
2) This is why a weak schedule will bite you in the ass. Since January they have played only the WCC, which is equivalent to Our Sisters of the Poor. And the games were close. This team was not that good. It's not their fault that they are in that conference, but if they want to be a power, switch conferences. The PAC-10 will welcome you.

Oh, and we called it. Our brackets may have all been dead after the first day (Sporlinote: NEVER pick a Big 10 team as your darkhorse Final Four contestant), but we knew the Zags were overrated. So Seth "Gonzaga WILL be in the Final Four" Davis can eat it again.

Sorry, we're getting off-track. Jordan Farmar and UCLA completed the greatest steal-and-layup since Bird on the Pistons. Bird steals the ball! Gets it underneath to DJ and he lays it in!!!!!! The Bruins showed balls, but more importantly they showed what playing a real schedule will do for you. They have been in close games against tough teams. Gonzaga has had their hands full with Mt. St. Mary's. It just don't compare, and it showed down the stretch last night.

It's also worth Sporlinoting that UCLA showed some serious class. Indicative of coach Ben Howland, some of the Bruins stopped their celebration to go over and console Morrison, who was weeping face-down on the floor. He later said he appreciated the effort.

Last, Redick and Morrison: media darlings. If we hear one more tidbit about how they're friends we're suing the national media for lack of creativity. Enough. They are great players, but neither could get it done in the clutch. Good for them for their stellar college careers. We just can't wait til those Larry Bird and Pistol Pete comparisons die in a year.

All in all, a wonderful night of Tourney action with plenty left to go. And no matter what happens, just remember: it's not like we can ever run out of reasons to enjoy A-Rod's humiliation (take 1, and take 2).

...aaaaaaand we're back!

2006-03-24T08:19:00.000-05:00

As you can already tell, we here at Sporlitics like to take as many vacations as our President. For every week worked, we get time-and-a-half for vacation. But we're back now, and with more ammo than ever.

Where to begin? President's duh-proval ratings...TO in Dallas...

come on. It's march. In the immortal words of Dook Vitale (who must have some hangover this morning):

IT'S TOURNEY TIME, BABYYYYYYYY

Watch. Your. Neck.

2006-03-02T10:59:00.000-05:00

What do the following people have in common?
LaVar Arrington.
Sam Madison.
Eric Moulds.
Trevor Pryce.
LaRoi Glover.

They are all pro bowlers who are probably going to be free agents by the end of today (you only get partial credit if your answer was "large, agile black men"), thanks to what all the clever sportswriters are calling Bloody Thursday.

Here's the lowdown: There was an obscure clause written into the last labor agreement that basically said if there was no continuance by today, all salary cap hits would be counted against this year (as opposed to spread over later years). So every team now has more money to fit under the cap, and as such must cut more high-priced players.

We dare the NFL and the players to have some sort of strike/lockout/bitchfest. The NFL is hands-down the most popular--and richest--league in sports. The only way they can possibly screw it up is with a shutdown. Morons.

The problem is that both sides have decent arguments. Gene Upshaw and the players see that owners are making more money than ever, and want a bigger cut. The owners see how much money the players are making already, and how fans reacted against the players in hockey's missed season, and call the players greedy.

We say they're all idiots. Meet halfway, count your millions, and suit up for the next season.

Ooooh...FASTBALL

2006-03-01T15:27:00.000-05:00

Veteran Senator and original Sporlitician Jim Bunning offered up this heater to vocal critic Russ Feingold and the 3 other dissenters in today's extension of the Patriot Act:

"Civil liberties do not mean much when you are dead."

ZING! Searing AND enlightening. That's how the vets play hardball.

How's that for some chin music Feingold, you pansy. (Sporlinote: Feingold was the only Senator to vote against the original Patriot Act in 2001)

The other three "nays" were Bob "Grandpa" Byrd, Tom Harkin and Republican ship-jumper Jim Jeffords.

The mystery of outsourcing uncovered

2006-03-01T09:55:00.000-05:00

MSNBC has a story about how more Americans can name all the Simpsons than can name more than one of the rights guaranteed in the 1st Amendment (Press, Religion, Assembly, Speech, and some complicated one).

No real surprise here. Just an excuse to show an old fave, an earlier MSNBC story that shows the majority of American college grads cannot complete intellectual tasks, such as, we shit you not, interpreting "a table about exercise and blood pressure."

Some of the priceless results:

More than 50 percent of students at four-year schools and more than 75 percent at two-year colleges lacked the skills to perform complex literacy tasks.

That means they could not interpret a table about exercise and blood pressure, understand the arguments of newspaper editorials, compare credit card offers with different interest rates and annual fees, or summarize results of a survey about parental involvement in school.
Almost 20 percent of students pursuing four-year degrees had only basic quantitative skills. For example, the students could not estimate if their car had enough gas to get to the service station. About 30 percent of two-year students had only basic math skills.

Most students at community colleges and four-year schools showed intermediate skills, meaning they could perform moderately challenging tasks. Examples include identifying a location on a map, calculating the cost of ordering office supplies or consulting a reference guide to figure out which foods contain a particular vitamin.

Great. So when a teacher asks where all the smart kids are in the world, "most students" will be able to pick out that location on a map. Just don't made them calculate how many jobs.

Star Jones, you let yourself go...

2006-02-28T23:10:00.000-05:00

I mean, what is there to say? At least Barry is making an attempt at cleaning up his image.

Just watch out for Simon's peering eyes.

Deep-Sixed

2006-02-28T17:49:00.000-05:00

Jerry Colangelo knows basketball. So does Coach K. But it is mind-boggling that they both overlooked the one player with more heart--and perhaps more pride--than any other American player.

Somehow, they chose to not invite Allen Iverson to camp for a chance to be on the 2008 US Olympic team.

In the words of the immortal Jon Stewart: Whaaaaaaaaaattttt??

AI was the MVP of the World Championship team in 2003. He was one of the few stars in 2004 to take the mantle (attention: Kobe, KG, Tim Duncan) and play in the Olympics. No one else wanted to, and the US had a disappointing bronze-medal performance. With all eyes on the biggest star there, The Answer, he behaved as a role model and played even better.

We used to be among the biggest Sporlihaters from the outset of AI's career: thug, didn't care about the game, didn't pass, blah blah blah.

But he has changed his personality, his outlook, and his game. Watching him in all-star games, you see Iverson turn into the true point guard that the Sixers have so badly wanted. Off the court, he has turned himself into a class act. Even more, he met face-to-face with Colangelo in January to basically beg for a spot on the team, something he should not have had to do in light of his 2004 performance.

There are 25 invitees, and only 12 spots. An exclusive team, no doubt. If all the stars that shunned their country in 2004 get spots, why doesn't Iverson? The guy at least deserves a chance. After all, that's what he gave his '04 team.

Zig-Zags

2006-02-28T17:30:00.000-05:00

Our first report after unofficial spring break features what we do best: hating.

Today's piping hot serving of Sporlihate is the one college team that has been consistently overrated, year after year. Gonazaga was a wonderful Cindarella in 1999. Cindarella they are no more. All these people piping about how the Zags deserve a #1 seed in the tourney should turn it down a notch. They've never gotten as far as that magical run in 1999 (close Elite 8 loss to eventual champ UConn), and have been consistently upset since. A quick look at their schedule this year reveals they should be a #3 seed, AT BEST:

They have played 5 ranked teams this year, and their record is 2-3.

They have played two top-10 teams, and lost to both.

They play in one of the weakest conferences in America (WCC = Wack Coast Conference), where only TWO other teams are above .500.

Last night they needed a last second shot to squeak out a home win against a sub-.500 opponent, for the 2nd time in a week.

Gonzaga is a solid team with one of the best players in the country. Adam "Ron Jeremy" Morrison, once he shaves that ridiculous mustache, could put his team on his shoulders and take them to the Final Four. But their performance this year does not earn them a preferred track to that goal.

GW has a better record but is ranked lower, and is projected as a #4 seed. They only lost at NC State, a tough place to play. They should be given at least as high a seed as the Zags.

But only if Morrison shaves his 'stache.

Weekly Awards for 2/13

2006-02-18T17:34:00.000-05:00

And now, for the first post of the Weah's, Sporlitics' weekly awards named after a great athlete (George Weah) now making his way into the world of Politics in his home country of Liberia. Without further ado...

Weah to go (movin up this week)
Lindsey Kildow: Pardon the expression, but after taking a nasty fall, she showed some real balls in getting right back on the hill—twice.
Ukrainian Parliament: They threw down when some Commis put up a mean sign in Parliament. (Picture 9 in msnbc.com slideshow)
Any comic, cartoonist or wannabe: Thanks to the veep.

On the Weah down (took some shots this week)
Scott McClellan: Granted, he can be on this list most weeks. This week, though, he looked especially impotent to press inquiries on Cheney’s shooting.
Michelle Kwan: Missed out on a final chance at gold, one she put off four years of sponsorships to chase. Unfortunate, to be sure.
Bryant Gumbel: Since when is he the spokesman for African-Americans?

The "Take that, Darwin" award of the week:
Who else but the VPOTUS could garner this one (although Gumbel made a late push)? Of all the one-liners and bits of info that have inundated the last week, perhaps the best is that Cheney misfired an American-made gun. Embarassing.

Suck it, Gumbel

2006-02-18T15:02:00.000-05:00

Bryant Gumbel on this week's HBO's Real Sports:
"Laugh when someone says these are the world’s greatest athletes, despite a paucity of blacks that makes the Winter Games look like a GOP convention ... so if only to hasten the arrival of the day they’re done and we can move on to March Madness, for God’s sake, let the Games begin."

There are a number of accurate retorts, none of which we here at Sporlitics were the first to write. Pick your poison:

Gumbel, in his years on the Today show, more than likely covered the Winter Olympics on site for NBC. He has never before made such comments.
Most of the American winter olympians are from, how do we say, the less diverse of the USA's 50 states--Alaska or Wisconsin, for example. There just aren't many black hockey players, or snowboarders, or curlers. Besides, when March Madness rolls around, will Gumbel bemoan the lack of white athletes?
GOP Convention? Gumbel's political leaning has absolutely nothing to do with his sports show. Leave it on the sidelines, Bryant.
Real Sports is a great show, but they are conspicuously absent in the criticism of boxing. By far the most corrupt sport--and HBO Sports' biggest cash cow--somehow goes untouched by the Emmy-winning Real Sports.

But by far the best and most timely response to Gumbel's misguided rant was today's speed-skating King, Shani Davis. Davis won the 1,000-meter speed-skating title and became the first black athlete to win Winter Olympics gold. It was a great moment for anyone watching. A shame, however, that Gumbel said he was not.

"He's full of shit."

2006-02-16T08:02:00.000-05:00

That's what Ozzie Guillen said about A-Rod in an upcoming SI interview.

Sure, sometimes Ozzie lets his boca (mouth) ramble on a little long, but he can always be counted on for coloring up a dull sports February (in true Sporlitics fashion, the only question he got wrong on his recent American Citizenship quiz was "Who is the mayor of Chicago?" Ozzie responded, "Me.")

This time, however, he was dead on. Some excerpts, via the NY Daily News:

"Alex was kissing Latino people's asses...He knew he wasn't going to play for the Dominicans; he's not a Dominican!"

"I hate hypocrites: He's full of shit."

"The Dominican team doesn't need his ass."

Funny what a soapbox a World Series ring can get you. Go get em, Oz.

So long, Sammy

2006-02-15T21:18:00.000-05:00

Sammy Sosa, the 5th-leading home run hitter in MLB history, is retiring, according to his agent.

We will save the whole career recap and get to what the people want. Ladies and gentlemen, presenting our first Sporlitics argument (with ourselves):

Why Sammy Sosa is NOT a Hall of Famer

We'll compare Sammy to another great outfielder, one who is repeatedly denied entrance to the Hall despite much support. We figure if Sammy is better than Jim Rice, he deserves to get in. If not, he should not be granted admission to Cooperstown. We begin with the favorable comparisons:

Sammy has hit more home runs than anyone but Hank, Babe, Barry, and the Say Hey Kid. He has 124 more RBIs than Rice, stole more bases and led the league in runs (twice) once more than Rice did.
Plus, the intangibles: For most of his career he was considered one of the game's true good guys, garnering numerous humanitarian awards. And baseball will forever owe a great debt to Sammy and Mark McGwire for rescuing the sport in 1998. That impact can never be measured in numbers. But numbers are what Cooperstown is all about...

Now, the other side:

Jim Rice may have fewer RBIs, but he played in nearly 200 fewer games. In that many fewer games, Rice has 148 more hits, which obviously leads to a MUCH higher carrer batting average (.298 to .274). Rice struck out 771 fewer times (771!) and batted over .300 twice as many seasons (eight to four).
The Hall is also a measurement of consistency, and Rice outpaces Sammy there, too. If you take out the four seasons in the prime of Sammy's career (1998-2001), his BA drops to a paltry .259. You can't do that with Rice, who batted .300 all over his career and garnered MVP votes in eight different seasons.
Lastly, again the intangibles. Sammy may be the first casualty (along with Raffy Palmeiro) of the steroid era. That, combined with his corked bat and late-career swoon after steroid testing may punish him. Few players have experienced such a quick, precipitous drop in fanfare.

The final verdict:
Sammy was a great player who captivated the game like few have ever done. And as we noted, Bud Selig should be at Sammy's beckoned call for the rest of his natural life. Baseball would not have been rescued without him.
But, Sammy's greatness was too short-lived. A deeper look at his career stats, when compared to another great outfielder not in Cooperstown, reveal that Sammy should not have his likeness bronzed. His '98 bats should forever be in Cooperstown. His portrait should not.

Real men shoot guns...and play softball

2006-02-15T15:46:00.000-05:00

So the VPOTUS finally agrees to speak to the much-dreaded press (about whom is attitude is apparently "You ask stupid questions, and I won't answer them"). Whom does he pick for this hard-hitting, sprayed-with-tough-questions-like-birdshot interview?

None other than those at FOX News.

Shocker. The "interview" will air at 6 p.m. eastern tonight and reportedly involves Cheney saying "It wasn't Harry's fault." Funny; his office spent the weekend placing the blame on the 78-year-old lawyer who got shot in the face. Oh, and he's wearing a soft, sensitive, pink tie.

FOX isn't showing clips yet, but someone leaked a few of Brit Hume's questions:

"Mr. Vice President, if the Democrats in Congress had given you and the White House the power it needed to maneuver freely and protect the American people--specifically Mr. Whittington-- in this situation, could this accident have been avoided?"

"Knowing what you know now, about where Mr. Whittington was and whether or not he had a bird hiding behind him, would you make the same decision?"

"In this post-9/11 world, isn't it necessary to have the latitude to make a decision without having to go through a bureaucratic mess, such as looking to see if a person is there before you shoot?"

The Scout-breaker

2006-02-15T15:05:00.000-05:00

Quick review of the 2003 NBA Draft's 1st 5 picks:
1) LeBron
2) That foreign kid (TFK)-->
3) Melo
4) Chris Bosh
5) D-Wade

TFK is in the news again, for basically the first time since that fateful draft night, because the Pistons have finally given up on his experiment. They are reportedly trading him to Orlando for two sacks of potatoes.

Why give up on him so fast? What happened to the once promising 17-year old that every NBA Scout swore would be better than Dirk (SporliNote: These are the same ones who promised this would be the "Age of Yao")?

3 things. 1) Larry Brown doesn't play rookies. 2) The Pistons are..well, the best team in the NBA. 3) He probably isn't very good. He has looked terrible in his few minutes on the floor.

TFK has single-handedly killed the European player's rep, one that was built up by the likes of Dirk and Peja. Not to mention the reps of numerous "pundits," like ESPN's Chad Ford who was at the head of the You NEED to take Darko mob.

Well, here's to a new start for TFK, and hoping he can restore the reps for all his followers. After all, he's only 21.

Saddam watches Chappelle?

2006-02-14T15:26:00.000-05:00

In today's episode of Saddam Hussein's trial, he claimed, among other things, that he and his fellow defendents were on a hunger strike. Nevermind that they all appeared in good health, as the judge noted.

The real highlight came when Saddam damn near quoted Chappelle show regular Scarface, he of "Fuck you, fuck you, you're cool" fame in Half Baked. Saddam's comment to the judge:

"Hit your own head with that gavel."

Saddam, obviously a fan of the "you better wrap that gavel up, B" skit, could be heard leaving the courtroom yelling, "I'm still rich, BIATCH!"

McClellan v. Gregory, rd. 491

2006-02-14T10:23:00.000-05:00

At yesterday's press gaggle (a press conference with no cameras, before the televised press conference), NBC News' David Gregory and White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan got into another one of their now common pissing contests. Per WashPost:

It featured NBC's David Gregory, one of McClellan's most persistent inquisitors over the last year, who raised his voice while asking a question about the incident.
"Hold on," McClellan interrupted, pointing out that "the cameras aren't on right now. You can do this later."
"Don't accuse me of trying to pose to the cameras," Gregory replied. "Don't be a jerk to me personally when I'm asking you a serious question."
"You don't have to yell," McClellan said.
"I will yell," said Gregory, jabbing his finger in McClellan's direction. "If you want to use that podium to try to take shots at me personally, which I don't appreciate, then I will raise my voice, because that's wrong."
"Calm down, Dave. Calm down," said McClellan evenly.
The two men spoke privately after the gaggle, Gregory said later. No apologies were exchanged.

Holy hotheads, Batman!

A quick background for the unitiated: Remember about a year ago, when the White House press corps decided they were going to act like an unchecked press, after being ripped for swallowing the bullshit for 4 years? Gregory took that mantle and has since decided that he will be the most visibly pissed at McClellan (the highlight of which was the press conference referring to Karl Rove's involvement in Joe Wilson's wife's outing: Gregory to McClellan, "You were wrong then, weren't you?").

Anywho, whether he is doing it to continually score points for being the one to refuse the party line from McClellan (it is worth noting that other reporters, such as CBS Radio's Peter Maer, are less visible but just as resistant to McClellan's spin) or for genuine reporting, Gregory is doing a damn good job of pissing off the White House. At least now, four years later, the press is finally catching up to the responsibility attached to that pesky 1st Amendment.

Johnny be Nasty

2006-02-13T13:08:00.000-05:00

We rarely think that there is racism amongst the mainstream sports media. Barry Bonds, for example, is not vilified because he black; rather it is because he seems to have little respect for the fans...and that whole steroids thing.

At the same time, we are not so naive as to think that the remnants are not there. And an Olympic athlete may prove that the media has not yet completely escaped their racist past.

U.S. figure skating champ Johnny Weir (pictured in a Russian jacket, one of his lovable photo ops), a favorite to medal in Turino, has garned recent headlines like:

Weir: He'll scare, bewilder and awe you. "The world might not be ready for him."
Johnny Be Blunt: Weir Won't Change His Outlandish Stlye. "Johnny Weir brought his candor."
Weird, wild stuff: Johnny Weir doesn't skate from controversy. "Mainstream America, you've been warned."

So, what's missing? Weir is a writer's dream: always there to provide a controversial quote to spice up a slow news day. His topics have included comparing his outfits to "an icicle on coke" and "a Care Bear on acid"; referring to an opponent's short program as "a vodka-shot, lets-snort-coke kind of thing" (we are noticing a pattern in the rail-thin skater's choice of metaphor); wife-beating; and to top it off, on a TV piece aired over the weekend, compared the Olympic Village to living in "a concentration camp."

WHAT? Weir likes to compare himself to the outspoken athlete who cannot be quited by "propriety." And thus far, the media have loved it. I can't imagine what would have been reported had Allen Iverson called the '04 Village a concentration camp. Or if Ray Lewis said the sidelines reminded him of blow.

Where's the fairness? Just because Weir is a clean-cut white boy in a clean-cut sport (minus Tonya), does not give him a free pass on blatant ignorace. We are the first to stand up and say when sensitivity should not win out and society should relax a bit. But Weir is not one of those instances. Someone needs to call him on his vitriolic remarks that he spins as humor. There is no better opportunity than the next week.

Proof the Head Honchos STILL Don't Watch TV

2006-02-13T10:50:00.000-05:00

...or read newspapers...or listen to the radio...or talk to basically anyone outside their bubble.

Remember five years ago, when the President asserted that he didn't read the morning paper? Or even as recently as the Katrina, when somehow the suits in DC "found out" about the Convention Center disaster a whole day after the rest of the world? Well, there's still some sort of news-proof forcefield outside the White House/Pentagon.

Yesterday, Dr. Rice (yes, gentlemen, still single and available; I know you're curious) told ABC's "This Week" that, and we could not make this up if we tried:

"If people continue to incite [the cartoon protests], it can spin out of control."

Right. Stat boy, can we get a tally? Here it is, as of this weekend:
-Danish embassies burned in Beirut (right) and Damascus.
-Danish, French, and Austrian embassies burned in Tehran.
-Death toll well into double digits.

And Dr. Rice thinks that if action isn't taken, it CAN spin out of control. What is that line about the river in Egypt?

Trigger-happy, in a different sense

2006-02-12T19:37:00.000-05:00

We here at Sporlitics owe a sincere thank you to Dick Cheney. On our opening weekend, he took the lead, as the VPOTUS so often does, and gave the news cycle a startling example of the explosiveness that occurs when powerful politicians meet equally powerful sports. Thanks, Dick.

This administration may not have many military vets, but they sure know how to handle a gun.

On a hunting trip that can only be likened to one of those "Senior outdoors days" Sporlitics' local church organizes, Vice President Cheney (65 years old) shot his hunting partner, attorney Harry Whittington (78) on a private south Texas ranch.

The Houston Chronicle is reporting Cheney, upon hearing a noise, turned and fired without realizing that Whittington, 30 yards away, was the culprit. Whittington allegedly did not identify himself when re-joining the group. Shoot first, ask questions later? A breakdown in communication? SO unlike this administration...

Oh and they seem to still not understand that they cannot put a stranglehold on all media. The incident was not reported for more than 24 hours, and only after the local Corpus Christi paper got word.

House to OHS: You Blew Katrina

2006-02-12T17:53:00.000-05:00

In a report coming out tomorrow, House investigators will blast the government, and single out an important few, according to the Sunday WashPost. An excerpt:

The 600-plus-page report lays primary fault with the passive reaction and misjudgments of top Bush aides, singling out Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff, the Homeland Security Operations Center and the White House Homeland Security Council, according to a 60-page summary of the document obtained by The Washington Post. Regarding Bush, the report found that "earlier presidential involvement could have speeded the response" because he alone could have cut through all bureaucratic resistance.

We'll see if a major albatross for the Bush Administration comes back for a few extra kicks. Although Sporlitics sees the morning news cycle dominated by a different Bush Administration story, this one also involving obvliviousness and bad communication (see above).

The ramifications of this report may well stick, though, because Chertoff will be the one in the spotlight, with Bush and co. taking peripheral hits. The bureaucracy is the real problem here, and this report will (apparently) expose it. The President will catch even more blame, not only because he could have cut through the resistance, but because Homeland Security was his idea. And in its first real test since 9/11, it failed. Miserably.

[Insert derogatory comment here]

2006-02-12T11:27:00.000-05:00

OK. We think we finally understand A-rod. After all the things he has done to tarnish whatever may be left of his postive image, Sporlitics came across this:

But we get it. He's trying the ol' double-negative. He thinks he will confuse everyone: empire-hater overload. Dook haters and Yankee haters (often one in the same) won't know what to do with themselves. He's brilliant.

By the way, who is his publicist? Courtney Love? Geez, you'd think this guy would get some good advice once in a blue moon.

Since bashing the world champ Red Sox about a year ago, A-Rod has made more bad decisions than Duke Cunningham (get it? Duke? Like the school? ZING!). OK, we're done.

Lady Coaches Can Be Stubborn Dicks, too

2006-02-11T22:02:00.000-05:00

On the Geno v. Pat Undercard...

In one corner: the young coach of one of the country's top team, bitter about losing last year's national championship game, a game she should have won, against that night's opponent.

In the other corner: the much, er...more "seasoned" coach of a good, but not great, defending national championship team, just after getting smoked by above coach's team.

LET'S GET IT ON!!!!

Before this week's game nationally-televised game, apparently LSU women's basketball coach Pokey Chatman said something not very nice to the reigning nat'l champ coach, Kim Mulkey-Robertson. After Chatman's Tigers exacted (muted) revenge, the post-game handshake turned into a small spectacle.

Mulkey-Robertson decided to comment to Chatman on her etiquette, Chatman snatched her hand back, and it was on.

"You don't say things like that. She hasn't earned the right to say something like that to me," siad Mulkey-Robertson because "she hasn't been coaching long enough."

Oooh! One point for the gold corner. Purple, your rebuttal?

"I promise you it's been blown out of context. Did I say something unprofessional? Not at all. Have you ever heard something like that come from me?...I was trying to get my hand away and congratulate her staff and get back to the locker room. The air is cleared. That's my story. There's nothing to clear."

Weak. Sporlitics is a big fan of rivalry spilling over to the suits calling the shots (see: John Chaney v. John Calipari), and from what we know, Chatman's response means she stepped outta line.

Still, it leaves us wondering, if this made the highlight reel (and the video is pretty unspectacular), how much would people pay to see Geno Auriemma and Pat Summit throw down? Sporlitics' staff would give up our average month's salary, at least.

Is anyone at FOX listening?

Quite a Kwan-dary

2006-02-11T21:06:00.000-05:00

Michelle Kwan had a horendous first practice in Torino today and complained of being "a little stiff." Um, Michelle, it has nothing to do with this Olympics. You have that problem every four years.

Apparently now she is not quite sure if--after petitioning the USOC to be able to skip the American qualifier and costing another skater a shot at Torino--she will be able to skate. Here's a bit of advice:

We think you are one of the greatest American figure skaters ever, but you will always be the Dan Marino/Patrick Ewing of your sport. You know what though? It doesn't matter. Actually, let us re-phrase...It doesn't matter, as long as you don't quit. If you go out there and fall, or pull something, that's OK. At least you tried, and you'll be associating grit with a sport forever linked with liatards (no small feat). Just try. PLEASE try.

For cryin out loud, whether we like it or not, you are there representing all of us. So just get out on the ice. People embrace the losers; but no one likes a quitter.

Fingerbang-bang

2006-02-11T13:53:00.000-05:00

Scooter allegedly rats out Cheney

According to multiple reports (National Journal, Washington Post) indicted former Vice Presidential Chief of Staff, I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby, testified to the grand jury that he was "instructed" by superiors (read: Dick Cheney) to leak the identity of a covert CIA agent in the summer of 2003. The leak was allegedly an attempt to smear the agent's husband, Joe Wilson, a former ambassador who wrote an op-ed in the New York Times debunking the Bush Administration's nuclear claims about Iraq.

This per Carol Leonnig at the Post:

Vice President Cheney's former chief of staff testified that his bosses instructed him to leak information to reporters from a high-level intelligence report that suggested Iraq was trying to obtain weapons of mass destruction, according to court records in the CIA leak case.
Cheney was one of the "superiors" I. Lewis "Scooter" Libby said had authorized him to make the disclosures, according to sources familiar with the investigation into Libby's discussions with reporters about CIA operative Valerie Plame.

Libby's lawyers vehemently denied the report.

The first rule of nobility is certainly "take one for the team." Lest we forget, however, that the overriding rule of lifetime politicos is:

"If I'm goin down, I'm takin every one of you sumbitches with me." It was really only a matter of time until someone pulled an Abramoff and promised to bring in the big fish in exchange for a better deal. Is anyone really surprised?

Be Careful at the Library

2006-02-11T13:26:00.000-05:00

Our first politics-specific post...

Sens. Bow to White House and Agree to Patriot Act

Four Republican Senators who had previously vowed to vote down the four-year renewal of the Patriot Act--Chuck Hagel (NE), John Sununu (NH), Larry Craig (ID) and Lisa Murkowski (AK)--yesterday capitulated to the White House. They said that a compromise was reached, but have a look at the three "changes" they reported, per Sherly Gay Stolberg at the NYT: link

The deal focused on three particular areas. The new measure would give recipients of subpoenas the right to challenge an accompanying judicial order not to discuss the case publicly, though they would have to wait one year. In the meantime, they would have to comply with the subpoena. That would prevent the F.B.I. from demanding the names of lawyers consulted by people who receive secret government requests for information and prevent most libraries from being subject to those requests.

In the same article, Russ Feingold, resident OSWARS (only Senator with a real set), blew up the Republicans' collective spot. "A few insignificant changes just doesn't cut it."

We couldn't agree with Russ more. These changes were only cosmetic, and the Republican Sens (along with two D's: Feinstein (CA) and Durbin (IL)) were clearly only in this for the good press that comes along with "fighting" the White House. They clearly weren't serious about protecting civil liberties, because they could not even secure what they called one of their "chief concerns":

The compromise does not, however, address one of their chief complaints, that the revised bill would allow the government to obtain private records of Americans with just loose connections to a terrorism investigation. Mr. Sununu and the others had originally insisted that the government prove a direct connection.

Pathetic. When are these pols gonna actually follow through with their promises?

Rocket Landing?

2006-02-11T12:21:00.000-05:00

A few years ago, fans in Bahhhhston were up in arms amidst reports that Roger Clemens would enter the Hall of Fame wearing the hated "NY" hat. Today, with the Rocket no closer to ending his career, there are reports that he may even return to close out his career where it began: Fenway. The biggest sign that he did, in fact, meet with the Sox brass? No one is saying a word. GMs, owners, agents. It takes quite a coincidence to keep those types quiet.

Our take: This is just the rocket feeling out his territory--and value--and the Sox looking at the possibility of patching up the city's broken relationship with the former face of the franchise. As ESPN's Buster Olney writes, extensive bidding for Clemens from the likes of the Rangers and (surprise!) the Yankees will push the Rocket's tag out of Boston's atmosphere.

For the record, we've got our money on Clemens pitching for his hometown Astros next year.

2006-02-11T12:12:00.000-05:00

Athleticians. Poletes.

Our inaugural post!

2006-02-10T14:29:00.000-05:00

For the first post in the history of sporlitics, we bring you a story not even Michael Crichton could make up: bigtime networks, world-reknowned stars, cutthroat trading, and...cartoons?

I'll give you Al, but only if you give me...the bunny
Whoever said you couldn't put a price on great broadcast talent? Yesterday, as part of their deal to free Al Michaels from his contract with ABC and allow him to reunite with John "Turducken" Madden, NBC traded away the rights to Oswald the Lucky Rabbit. Oswald was Walt Disney's first creation, before even Mickey Mouse.
Throw-ins to complete the trade (presumably the equivalent of salary-trades in the NBA) were NBC's rights to the Ryder Cup.
Oswald was not immediately available for comment, but there were reports of 'rolling sounds' near Mr. Disney's gravesite.