Tuesday, August 22, 2006

Bryant Gumbel is an uninformed gasbag, take 2

We got on Bryant Gumbel's case six months ago for idiotic comments he made about how the Winter Olympics shouldn't be watched because it has so few black people that it looks like "a GOP convention." His creative alliteration aside, the man was letting race cloud a non-issue (the only thing black in Wisconsin or Alaska is the ice, Bryant).

Now he's at it again, and this time he has the NFL in his dainty crosshairs. You can take all the shots you want at ice dancers and curlers, but when you take on the nation's most popular league (who, by the way, also happens to be his new employer), you get steamrolled. This is what he said, via NYTimes:

“First of all,” Gumbel advised Goodell, “before he cleans out his office, have Paul Tagliabue show you where he keeps Gene Upshaw’s leash.” He said that by making Upshaw his “personal pet,” Tagliabue kept labor peace “without giving players the kind of guarantees other pros take for granted.”

“Try to make sure no one competent ever replaces Upshaw on your watch,” Gumbel said.

Boy, would that be searing. If he was accurate. As the article points out, he is wrong again.

There are a series of hypocrises about Gumbel already (never says a word about boxing, for one) but we are not going down that road again. We will let former NFL-er Robert Smith take Bryant apart since, quite frankly, none of us are black and Robby took it a place all of us wanted to go but could not in good taste:

"Bryant Gumbel has fallen in recent times,'' Smith (who knows something about far, precipitous falls from grace) told SI.com on Tuesday. "He's desperate to have a respected, national voice again, but the problem is a lot of people aren't listening anymore. So you've got to say something like that to get attention for yourself. But he's misinformed."

Then it gets good...

"He's someone who has been around for a while and has some credibility, but who wants to believe a certain perception. I believe part of it with Gumbel is that Gene is a much more powerful black man than he is. And he's jealous of Gene's power and position. I think Gumbel's even jealous of where his former co-host Katie Couric is, and how she's moved on to a more powerful position and he still hasn't.''

Ho, SNAP! First he called him a failure as a black man, and then he broke out the 'cant-even-keep-up-with-his-little-white-girl-former-co-host'!

Either way, this second gaffe by Gumbel provides us the opportunity to repeat the world's best Gumbel burn, courtest of Family Guy:

Peter: I want to have the kind of father and son relationship that the Gumbels have.
Lois: Peter, the Gumbels are brothers.
Peter: Oh nice Lois, just because they're black we can't learn anything from them?

This week in rhetorical questions...


Does the pope shit in the woods?

We never were very good with those quips. But you get the picture.

Friday, August 11, 2006

Weekly review Weahs are back, back again

As we said, if the leader of the free world can vacate, so can we. But we return in full force, with the Weahs, as if we didn't miss a beat...

Weah to go:
1) John Madden: Inducted into Hall of Fame, and about to be introduced to a whole new set of unsuspecting youngsters on the impending Maddenoliday.
2) Ned Lamont: Where's he stand on other issues? Who cares, he didn't make out with the Prez! (Sporlinote: We may be shocked by his stances if he makes it to Washington. No one that rich is that liberal)
3) Joe Schwarz: Yeah, he lost his primary to a rabid right-winger. But now he will no longer be slapped around by the DeLays of the world and can return to the relatively sane mainstream. Welcome back, Joe.

On the Weah down:
1) Maurice Clarett: His recruit-mate, Santonio Holmes, was a first round pick this spring. Yeah, he got arrested, too. But he still has a spot on the defending champs' squad. Oh, and millionsof dollars.
2) Lieberman/Bush/Cheney: Try to villify Lamont voters as crazy out of touch liberals. Then the 'liberals' go and show that they agree with 60% of Americans, and are against the war.
3) Fidel Castro/Cynthia McKinney: Their constituents are cheering their failures: Fidel's health, and Cynthia's right hook.

The "Take That, Darwin" Award of the Week:
We could give it to Clarett, but that'd be too easy. Ryan Freel takes this one. After making an amazing catch on Albert Pujols this week, he explained that not even his friend Farney could believe it. Oh, and who is Farney? "
He's a little guy who lives in my head who talks to me and I talk to him." He proceeded to describe the entire conversation. We'd transcribe it, but want to keep our collective head from imploding. Read it here.

'Cause you never know when you could get tased

It's not that he was arrested (again). Or that he was caught with four weapons -- all loaded -- in his car, presumably in case President Bush immediately shipped him over to Fallujah. Or even that he led police on a car chase before hitting a cruiser. No, the meat was the following:
...officers had to use Mace to subdue him.
More? You want MORE? Here is the clincher:

A stun gun was ineffective because the former Fiesta Bowl star was wearing a bullet-resistant vest, Sgt. Michael Woods said.

That's right. Mo Clarett was taken down with old lady spray because his bullet-proof vest shielded him from the taser. Contrary to popular opinion, this proves he is a thinking man.

At least when he's wasted (a half-empty bottle of vodka was found in the car).

(photo courtesy of Deadspin)

Saturday, August 05, 2006

"We may suck, but I'm telling you, they'll suck more"

The GOP is continuing their election year strategy, and from what we can decipher, it goes a little something like this:

We may control the courts, Congress, and the White House. We may have completely botched Iraq, the war on terror, and pretty much anything to do with the economy.

BUT: If you elect the other guys, you'll get blowed up.

The latest iteration came courtesy of Ken Mehlman, chairman of the RNC: (via WashPost)

Ken Mehlman, chairman of the Republican National Committee, denounced Democratic Party leaders Friday, saying they would "surrender important tools" in the fight against terrorism...

...Mehlman said that if the Democrats win control of Congress in the Nov. 7 midterm elections, party leaders will stop the National Security Agency from eavesdropping on foreign terrorists and will pursue impeachment of the president.

"America faces a critical question," Mehlman said. "Will we elect leaders who recognize we're at war and want to use every tool to win it, or politicians who would surrender important tools we need to win?"

Or should America keep electing fear-mongers?

p.s. - We still say he looks like a donkey. Or Mark Warner.

Turn your head and Kofi

We ask:

If Hizbollah's name was "al Qaeda," would anyone question Israel's response to their soldiers being captured?

Israel is the democratic pimple on the greater ass of the anti-west, anti-democracy Middle East. Let's not help Kofi and the UN pop it.

(we never were very good with analogies)

Son of a B-sample

It's official.


Floyd Landis -- the mennonite, hip-fractured, Lance II, super-biker -- had more testosterone in him during his miraculous stage 17 than a Jason Giambi-Gary Sheffield-Barry Bonds dinner party.

The Tour de France, in tpyical French fashion, showed resilience, grit, and resolve (SIKE) and kicked his ass out immediately. As did his team, Phonak (they're Swiss, so they just don't like trouble either way). As will USA cycling.

But how many people really care? Americans' attention span for the Tour passed two days after it ended, and was briefly revived when Landis' red flag was waved. Landis got his glory -- and well more than his 15 minutes -- weeks ago.

Not many people would have remembered him either way. Now, more will. Which would he rather have?

NCAA finally gets one right

mmm...how we love them sporlitickin' stories...

There has already been a limited ban on championship games in South Carolina because the State House flies the Conferederate flag -- not to mention all those trucks driven by the (game)cocks down there.

According to multiple reports, the NCAA is considering widening the ban to more sports and more postseason activity. (via Chicago Trib):

The NCAA will consider expanding its ban of championship events in South Carolina, possibly disallowing baseball and football teams from playing host to postseason games, because the Confederate flag is displayed on Statehouse grounds.

Robert Vowels Jr., head of the NCAA's Minority Opportunities and Interest Committee, said his group received a request from the Black Coaches Association about widening the ban. Predetermined postseason events, such as basketball regionals and cross-country championships, are now barred from South Carolina sites.

They may be hypocrites, money-mongers, and a band of idiots. But it appears that even a blind squirrel can find a nut once in a while.

Back from vacation

Hey, if the President can take one each summer while the country's at war (a "short" 10 days this year), we can, too.