Sunday, April 30, 2006

Weekly Weahs

It's that time again. Weekly Weahs, named after the great Sporlitician...

Weah to go:
1) Steve Bridges: Bush impersonator (he's on the right) upstages President at the annual Correspondents' Dinner. Highlight was futile attempt to show President how to pronounce "nuclear."
2) New Orleans Saints: All week were going to trade down because they didn't need a QB. Then the best draftee in years fell into their lap.
3) The NFL: Hours upon hours of draft coverage, complete with man-tears and terrible hair from the hosts. And still, we all watched. Cha-ching.


On the Weah down:
1) Houston Texans: It doesn't matter what you could or could not get in a trade. If you didn't want the best player in the draft, trade down. Get some extra picks. The Jets wanted Reggie; the Texans could have had the Brick, who may help faster than Mario, with that pick.
2) Anyone with a car: 60 cents in a month. Increases of 10 cents/week are now routine. When will it stop? A night of suicidal enchiladas has never caused this much gas pain.
3) Stephen Colbert: We love him, we really do. And he was hysterical at the Correspondents' Dinner last night. But he was too political in his faux right-wing act, and reporters even said it was too much. Still, it was damn funny.


The "Take That, Darwin" Award of the week:
Ofatai King. He got a crane and moved six newsstands--as in uprooted them from University City and put them down near 12th street. Moved whole newsstands. Across a major metropolitan city. With a crane.

How much would it cost?

The original Duke scandal, that of the esteemed Congressman from San Diego, revealed a newer, even more entertaining twist this week. Per WashPost:
Federal authorities are investigating allegations that a California defense contractor arranged for a Washington area limousine company to provide prostitutes to convicted former congressman Randy "Duke" Cunningham (R-Calif.) and possibly other lawmakers, sources familiar with the probe said yesterday.

In addition to The Duke taking millions in bribes--including getting a house and a yacht, named "The Duke Stir"--he allegedly would call his defense contractor buddies, who would send him a limo that would take him to the Westin with hos in tow.

At least they did it with class.

Side Sporlinote: take a look at Duke. Don't ever tell us prostitution is easy. It's not like you can pick and choose your customers. It's not a buffet; not when you're the dish, anyway.

After all this, the San Diego district seat from which Duke resigned will still probably go to a Republican in next month's runoff. Here's a vote for Francine Busby.

Saturday, April 29, 2006

Bushwhacked


We told you so.

Thus far, 11 picks into the draft, we have gotten only 2 wrong.

So what if it was the first two picks, and the only picks we made?

Onto the analysis...

Matt Leinart has got to be thrilled. He'll still be rich, he'll still be on a moderately crappy team, but the negatives end there. The positives are endless:

1) He will throw to Larry Fitzgerald and Quan.

2) Arizona is getting a new stadium.

3) He will hand off to Edge James.

4) Denny Green is a spectacular players coach.

5) He will throw to Larry Fitzgerald and Quan.

6) He is in a PAC-10 area, with fans who will appreciate him (if they even pay close enough attention to scrutinize).

7) He will throw to Larry Fitzgerald and Quan.

Meanwhile, his Heisman mate is sent to purgatory...

Friday, April 28, 2006

We knew we were funny, but this funny?


Remember that time in Little League when you were so bored in right field that you started counting dandelions and daydreaming of the post-game hot dog? (Well we don't, cause we were busy pitching or playing in the infield, with the skill players, but we digress.) This is what can happen when you're bored on the field (via KC Star):
The start of the O-Royals’ game on Monday was delayed five minutes, according to the Omaha World-Herald, because Kerry Robinson had a chest muscle spasm in center field. Trainer Jeff Stevenson told the newspaper that the muscle spasm was triggered when Robinson was laughing at the antics of a youth team that was involved in a pregame promotion.

This has got to rank among the greatest baseball injuries ever, just below John Smoltz ironing his shirt while he was still wearing it.

The real question is, what were those kids doing that was so funny? Kerry, can you help us out on this one? We bet they were just portly.

Thursday, April 27, 2006

Big, brass ones

The political climate is supposedly "terrible" for Republicans. There are gas prices, bad immigration bills, the President's approval ratings dipping somewhere near Anna Nicole's, and Abramoff.

They were supposed to have gone home on their monthly 2-week break only to return back with their tails between their legs, in fear of the wrath of the electorate. And then comes the lede in a WashPost article this morning:

The scandal surrounding disgraced lobbyist Jack Abramoff has been a Washington obsession for months, but Republican lawmakers who returned from a two-week recess this week said they felt free to pass a relatively tepid ethics bill because their constituents rarely mention the issue.

Are we reading this correctly? The lawmakers came back from two weeks with voters with the mindset that they are fine and dandy to pass toothless reform? They are either morons, in possession of "muchos huevos grandes" as Mr. Colbert would say, or they realize that the American public is getting dumber and dumber.

(We pick option C). The article continues:

Lawmakers acknowledge that the bill is more limited in its scope and impact than the provisions promised by congressional leaders immediately after Abramoff's guilty plea to federal charges of bribery, conspiracy, tax evasion and mail fraud nearly four months ago. But they say they do not feel compelled to push more stringent measures partly because voters do not appear to be demanding them.

Ah, we were right. It has nothing to do with manly endowment--although it is pretty intrepid that they are openly admitting to weak "reform"--but rather the fact that they know the voters don't care.

Three cheers for a government of the people.

The only thing that could save the GOP

We'll take, "The only way to get conservatives off their asses and to the voting booths this November" for $400, Alex.

Why the Post is amazing


Front page of yesterday's NY Post, referencing the hanging of Slick Willie's portrait in the Smithsonian. And other things...

We love it. LOVE. IT.

(side Sporlinote: Notice the lack of the ring on his finger? You're not alone...)

Tuesday, April 25, 2006

Draft-dodger


Did Reggie Bush's family hurt his stock as the #1 pick by living in a would-be agent's house? Are the Texans really thinking of taking NC State's Mario Williams? Are we completely and totally sick of Mel Kiper (right) and TJ?

Yes, yes but only with a lower pick, and yes, but we still love Salisbury and will still be glued to the draft-day coverage this weekend. Can't get enough of the NFL, even in April.

Here's how we see draft-day shaking down:

The Texans will, after not getting a deal like the Chargers got for the Ricky Williams and Eli Manning picks, select Reggie Bush, despite advice to the contrary from their Sporlifriends. They should take whatever deal they get and drop to 3 or 4, taking D-Brick to help their offensive line. They won't get Mario Williams unless the Saints trade down.

The Saints will stay put and take Mario Williams, since they lost their best pass rusher to free agency and already have Drew Brees (we could hear Matt Leinart exhale all the way out here). Unless of course, by some stroke of stupidity, Bush is still available at No. 2.

After that? Well, who the hell knows. Find a monkey, a dartboard, and sit back and enjoy. We're pretty sure that's what Mel does the other 10 months a year, anyway.

Sporlinote to teams: Please, PLEASE, don't take your full 15 minutes, everybody. You've had 3 months. You should know what to do. I can't listen to the talking heads that much.

The Oil Decider

President Bush joined the election year pandering of his colleagues this morning when he announced that we would stop adding oil to the reserves he refused to tap even when Katrina hit.

This is all well and good, and may save us a cent or two in the long run. But the bigger problem is our general oil appetite (see cute/clever cartoon).

If we as a planet--beginning with us snotty Americans--do not slow down our consumption of oil, we will all be in big trouble. It is an equation so simple that even politicians should understand it (we have put their translation in big letters so all the old white men in Washington can read it):

There is a fixed commodity (ONLY SO MUCH OF ONE THING, AND WE CANNOT MAKE MORE), and ever-increasing inelastic demand (LOTS OF PEOPLE WANT IT, AND WANT IT MORE, NO MATTER THE PRICE). Therefore, at some point, the commodity will be exhausted (OIL GO BYE-BYE).

There are ethical issues with the record profits that oil companies are making these days, certainly. But that is nearly all our own doing. We have put off energy reform for years, thanks in large part to Dick and Bush letting oil executives write our energy policy. We can make oil companies give a part of their profits to the consumers, but that will only do what we have been doing: delay real solutions that are inevitably needed.

Somehow many Americans don't realize that the rest of the civilized world pays 2 and 3 times as much for their gas. We have been lucky, and it's time to wake up.

Sadly, this may not happen anytime soon. Congress will have more empty hearings so they can show that they pressed the execs. Prices will temporarily go down this summer once the oil companies finish revamping their refineries to meet environmental standards. And a year from now, we will still see rising prices.

Another reason to pray there isn't another Katrina.

"What? We beat the crap out of dudes, too..."

They may be racist.
They may be homophobic.
But hey, they're not sexist.

One of the accused Duke lacrosse players has an outstanding court date stemming from an assault in November. He and a couple of his buddies (sound familiar?) beat up another young man after the victim told them to "stop calling him gay and other derogatory names."

You can't spell "elite upper-class snob" without "class."

All this leads to even worse public sentiment towards the accused players--as if it could have gotten worse--in a time when their lawyers are attempting to commandeer the records of the accused rape victim so they can smear her on the stand. We'll see how it goes...

Wednesday, April 12, 2006

Hey, it was better than his last sporting outing


In a true Sporlimoment, head man Dick Cheney pushed out the first pitch before the Nationals' home opener yesterday. The pitch made it to the plate after a couple bounces, but give the man a break. He's 65, has a bad heart, and is responsible for one of the worst foreign-policy gaffes in our nation's history.

The interesting tidbit came via the AP:

Greeted with loud boos and some cheers, Vice President Dick Cheney threw out the ceremonial first pitch Tuesday at the Washington Nationals’ home opener.

He stood directly in front of the mound and released a ball that hit the dirt in front of home plate. Nationals catcher Brian Schneider scooped it up.

Cheney wore a red-and-blue Nationals jacket that seemed bulky, perhaps filled out by a bulletproof vest. Security agents ringed the top edge of the outdoor stadium.

Check out the pic and the video, and there's no doubt that he was wearing something underneath that jacket. Be sure to listen for the loud boos over the FOX anchor's best efforts to drown them out. It's a bitch when you actually have to listen to outside-the-bubblers, ain't it?

Sunday, April 09, 2006

Weah Weeklies, 4/3 edition

Once again, our weekly Weahs, in honor of the pride of Liberia...

Weah to go:
1) Senate conservatives: Stevens takes one home, finally. They successfully block a series of bills that they deem "amnesty" and have the moderates name-calling. Good for them; can we move on yet?
2) Phil Mickelson: Wins the masters. Much like the Senate cons--good for him, everyone still hates you.
3) Matt Lauer: Try and tell us he wasn't totally sick of her. He must've been pacing for at least five years now, mumbling, "I swear if I hear the fucking word perky one more time..."

On the Weah down:
1) Bush and his boss: they get fingerbanged on the same week that their budget proposal to the House falls apart and an Iraqi general declares civil war.
2) College Basketball: Lose a great up-and-comer in Maggie Dixon. Tragic.
3) The great state of Delaware: Men across the state feel emasculated (<--see Phil) when they hear student had sex with teacher 28 times in a week. Feel much better when they see the "culprit." DE loses either way.

The "Take that, Darwin" Award of the Week:
Our good friend PM Silvio: A billionaire with the power of incumbency. But after years of supporting the war amidst national furor, falslely blaming a shitty economy on the Euro, and faux-banging an unprepared meter maid (see many posts below for the video), he lost his re-election bid. American liberals hope this is a portend of November, but not even Republicans are as stupid as he.

Why Immigration is fine

Leave it to Congress: If it ain't broke, fix it.

A record-high number of Americans are uninsured. The gap between the rich and the poor is increasing by the year. And America's kids are fucking stupid.

So what does Congress decide to spend their time on before the 2-week Easter break? (that's right, 2 weeks off. These legislators are in session less than any Congress ever)

They talk about the immigration issue. Let's revisit America's immigration "problem":

We have relatively peaceful, assimilated, working immigrants, whatever language they speak. France and Europe have disenfranchised, poor, unemployed, rioting immigrants. They have a guest worker program.

Our system sure isn't perfect, but dammit, it's the best one around. Europe has an immigration mess, from Madrid to Moscow, and we are suddenly trying to duplicate it. Why?

Votes. Both sides are pining for votes from the burdgeoning latino community. It's pathetic, it's misguided, and it's taking time and attention away from much more important issues.

Italian fans show some classi

It hasn't been long since the soccer community was embarassed by Spanish fans who made monkey noises and threw peanuts at African Player of the Year Samuel Eto'o of Barca.

We are within 2 weeks of our good friend, Italian PM Silvio Burlesque-oni, ramming a meter maid on his way to the car. (Can't see that video enough).

Now come reports that Inter Milan's fans waited for their team at the airport after Inter's elimination from the Champions League, but not to applaud the team's efforts. They welcomed their players with masks, slurs, and beatdowns, and one Inter player left with bruises on his head.

Seriously, the Euro soccer fans are among the most loyal in the world. But they are often disgusting. The racism (especially in Spain and England) has been bad for years and has often operated under the rest of the world's radar--although after the Eto'o debacle European Parliament officials drafted a resolution to give referees the power to abandon matches in such cases. It is certainly reflective of parts of Europe's xenophobic culture, but the racists feel more weclome near the pitch. Italy agreed to start cracking down, and England has done a better job, but the only ones who are equipped to halt it are the fellow fans.

We're sorry

except not really.

Some of our more astute readers have pointed out that the previous post does not exactly follow along in the lines of our credo: sports and/or politics.

We don't care. But just for integrity's sake...

The politics of the school district will surely come into play here. Besides, you try and tell me it doesn't take a serious athlete to have sex with that 28 times in one week. ONE WEEK. That's seven times a day; and if they were only gettin it on in school days, thats almost 6x a day. Gross.

There you go. Politics and sports.

Wednesday, April 05, 2006

Woof. Just woof.

Two pre-teen boys. Two teachers. One will be looked upon for the rest of his life as the coolest pre-teen this side of JTT. One will be forever asked "Why??" Here are the teachers, and you can guess which kid goes with which teacher.
Exhibit A:


Exhibit B:


Yeah, yeah, it's sick that they bedded these boys. But let's be real: if you're 13, and exhibit b wants you--she was 23 at the time--what would you say?

On the other hand, exhibit A, which was revealed yesterday from our crazy neighbor...wow.

Who wants to bet that while B got off (pun FULLY intended), A gets time in the slammer?