Wednesday, March 29, 2006

High-Yield Bonds

Three cheers for revisionist history!

Apparently Bud Selig feels so shocked--and castrated--by the recent revelations (GASP!) that Barry Bonds took steroids. As if that wasn't enough, there may have been others, too! NOOOOOOO!

In order to rectify this pissing on our pastime, good ol' Bud has appointed George Mitchell, former Democratic Senator (Bud obviously is a big Sporlitics fan) and current Disney chairman of the board, to head a task force to...wait for it...wait for it...investigate Barry Bonds! ...and any past offenders, but probably noone named McGwire, Sosa, Giambi, Vaughn, or Thomas. But shh! Don't tell nobody.

Cork it, Bud. There are so many different ways this investigation is both impotent and hypocritical, they're almost not worth, come on, of course we're gonna do it:
1) This should have been done years ago. Selig had not one, but two separate CBA negotiations since steroids started being widely used. He had two separate chances to demand of Don Fehr that players obey the law and submit themselves to steroid tests. Even the second time, in 2003, when fans caught the whiff of the juice, Bud succumbed to the mighty union. It appears he has the same problem as many of the juiced players: no balls.
2) Who will be investigated? How will you investigate them? All hearsay? Remember, no one was tested before a couple years ago, so there are no vials of urine waiting to be tested. We are most curious about this part of the investigation. How do you investigate the past if there is no evidence?
3) Let's make the assumption, however grand, that this investigation actually turns up a few high-profile culprits. How do you punish them? Go back and take away stats? Trophies? Keep them out of the Hall? Fat chance. Even if they wanted to, they couldn't do any of this, because...
4) Being on the juice wasn't against the rules! Steroids were as illegal as Gatorade in baseball (and about as prevalent). As Sporlinoted above, Don Fehr convinced Bud Selig time and time again to allow ballplayers to circumvent U.S. law. They could take substances that we could not, and therefore they did not break any rules.

Good luck to Bud. Not for finding any users--which is as easy as looking at some before/after photos--but for pasting together the shards of his legacy.


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